As a Therapist

[Wrecker]

... and throughout your expertise, diagnose the person above you.

As a qualified practitioner, I would say that the person above me simply doesn't exist.

I have been having hallucinations about Pacman, however... I can't sleep

Edited December 15, 2015 by Wrecker

[Caledonian]

The solution is simple, my dear Wrecker. With the right pills and fruit, you too can beat the ghost images of the packing man. I will write a prescription.

i do, though, find myself in a phobia of blank paper.

[Faust]

Lefkochartiphobia is common amongst writers and artists, especially those suffering a block or who are up against a tough deadline. I recommend sensitisation by exposure. Wallpaper your spare room entirely in white and try and spend a minute in there every day. When that's bearable, move up to five minutes, then ten, and so on until you're comfortable sleeping in the room.

Do not under any circumstances be tempted to draw or paint on the walls! This will invalidate the whole process!

Me, I can't shake the feeling that I'm being followed by a penguin with immoral purposes in mind...

Edited December 15, 2015 by Faust

[DrGravitas]

Zis is emblematic of your carnal desires fur your mother. Ze penguin represents a repressed desire to regress to infantilizm, to feel ze warm embrace of your mother'z feet. You yern fur ze safety and regurgitated food. Ze immoral purposes iz self explanatory. Ze solution iz clear, you must pay me far zeveral more sessionz vhile I get to know your mother more...

I myself, however, feel the weight of a great destiny upon my shoulders but know not what it means...

[Caledonian]

worry not, everything will be okay if you stop wearing socks.

i hate socks.

[Vallium]

It appears that you have built negative associations with this common footwear, the solution is to rebuilt positive associations with this object. Have you tried jerking into one? The surge in hormonal levels is bound to leave you reaching for socks voluntarily in no time!

I randomly shout "penis" by accident...

[Faust]

It's either Tourette's Syndrome, where people involuntarily make certain noises or physical tics at random intervals, or Cartman Syndrome, where people pretend to have Tourette's Syndrome in order to get away with shouting 'Penis' when the vicar is around. I recommend castration.

...did the problem suddenly stop when I suggested cutting your willy off? No? Then it's Tourette's. Sorry, there's no cure.

I want to kill all of my clients. Preferably with a rusty tennis racket.

[Vallium]

There's a nice sanitary ward across the street with a comfy room and a snug jacket, I'm going to have a few strong men take you for a nice little stroll over there

The ghosts of my deceased hamsters are everywhere...

[Caledonian]

I recommend meditation to befriend them and make them feel better. then put them to work on small tasks hamster ghosts can do and make the best of the situation.

I find myself with the urge to create more and more characters.

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

I suggest you lobotomize the part of your brain that wants to make more characters.

I want to fuck the Rolfe

[Faust]

This should cure you:
http://i1.dailyrecord.co.uk/incoming/article2294851.ece/alternates/s615/JS26347022-2.jpg

I genuinely believe I have a lovely bunch of cocoanuts.

[Vallium]

Here's some coconuts. Im sure they're lovely. Continue believing, friend.

My roll around the floor and shriek like a banshee at parties

[Caledonian]

This is a serious case, id say you should at least try to get famous for it and start a new trend.

i'm just cant think straighr

[Wrecker]

Misspelling the word 'straight' was obviously a glimpse into the narrative of your subconscious, and considering how a T is usually straight, and an R is rather curvy, I would suggest that you are inclined to like things out of the ordinary.

Consider skydiving or drinking with a bendy straw.

 

I swear somebody keeps ringing my doorbell, but there's never anybody there.

[Zop]

You should replace your doorbell with a device which administers an electric shock to you. The pain will cause increased adrenaline secretion, allowing you to reach the door more quickly so you can catch the person before they leave.

I run naked through the desert and pretend I am a coyote.

[Caledonian]

i do not see the problem here. go on good sir.

I find myself fantasizing over a past that never happened

[Half-Note]

You're experiencing what is called a "mid-life crisis". I am sorry to say that it is too late for you to live out those days now.

I have an irrational need to piss people off.

[Fossa]

You feel alone and alienated, and are using this as a way to seek attention, or, as a way to make yourself appear edgy. It's most likely that you don't feel 'tough' enough. Making others angry helps hide your own vulnerability. I suggest merely pissing on them instead. This way, you'll get a much stronger and immediate reaction that makes you question this approach to life.

I have trouble sleeping, and sometimes, can barely sleep at all, waking up every few hours, and sometimes, sleeping for 12 hours, or else, not being able to sleep at the 'appropriate' times, such as now, with work not to many hours away.

[Faust]

This is a typical symptom of anxiety, depression and excessive caffeine. If we rule out the last possibility as obvious (don't drink coffee or fizzy drinks after 6pm) that leaves us with depression. Now I'll assume that you're not manic and not severe enough to require medication or you'd have complained of that instead. My prescription is therefore exercise. I'd like you to go for a short run about an hour before bedtime - just long enough to raise a sweat should do it. This will raise endorphins in the brain and help to alleviate the depression and anxiety, plus will tire you out and help you to sleep. Once you get back, try to resist the urge to do brain-intensive activities such as playing video games or reading exciting novels. Boring text books are ok.

Personally, I'm fighting an urge to throw all my clothes off, run into the forest and live as a wild man, appearing only occasionally to terrify old ladies and spark bigfoot hunts.

[Caledonian]

Well then, this might be a serious problem. The easiest solution is to stop fighting the urge. That will solve the problem.

I, personally, hear bagpipe music everywhere, all the time

[Luccus]

This is a severe case of playing bagpipe all the time. You might want to get a pneumonectomy to treat the persistent urge to blow.

 

I have the persistent urge to search up content I know I'll get mad over.

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

The simple solution to this issue is to make an angry blog post.

I have an insatiable need to listen to Queen music.

[Faust]

I honestly can't see why you'd want to break free from that. Nevertheless I can have a diagnosis for you in a  Flash! Aaah-aaah-ahhh! Sorry, spot of cramp there. Just came in from a bicycle race. Anyway, from your body language I'd say you're definitely a cool cat, and who are we to judge if you suffer from a crazy little thing called love? Nobody's going to stop you now, especially if you ARE going slightly mad. Don't want you to turn into a killer queen, do we? Maybe you just need someone to love. So there's no need to feel under pressure, I think you'll find a little music therapy is really a kind of magic.

Damn, I really wanted to squeeze 'Fat Bottomed Girls' in there somewhere. (How many can YOU spot?)

--------------------------------

My problem is that I think I'm a real psychiatrist. How does that make you feel?

[Toshabi]

You need to start living life as a gay woman. 

 

I cant stop thinking about butts.

 

[Enigma]

This is perfectly normal. If you aren't thinking about posteriors, then that is an issue.

I keep posting on furry forums. Help... me...

[Augmented Husky]

Nein, once a Fuzzbutt the effects are ireversable. Also note that at the second stage the patient accruires an irrational urge to make half witted animal puns.

 

so far I've been getting used to my nano molecular body of nanites however the only thing I miss is the ability to appear derpy and cute to others here and then. Any possible treatment ?

[Faust]

3 minutes ago, Augmented Husky said:

so far I've been getting used to my nano molecular body of nanites however the only thing I miss is the ability to appear derpy and cute to others here and then. Any possible treatment ?

Try these prosthetic emotability enhancers:

I have the horrible sensation of being stalked from the shadows by Nigel Farrage....

[Feelwell]

I'm proscribing thirty ounces of straight steel right to the stalkers midriff.

Doc, I need help.

I'm gay.

[Fossa]

Be a part of the community, and make regular donations to your local sperm bank. They say civic minded charitable activities make one feel better.

I have this awful temptation to seek revenge on a former housemate by creating a roach infestation in their house. But how to get the roaches, and sneak them over there?

 

 

[TheGreatFanatic]

You have a severe illness known as 'That'dBeFuckingHilariousPleaseDoIt-idous.' What you need to do is immediately do just that to get it out of your system, it's unhealthy to bottle things like that up. As an extra to help your mentality survive through this experience, I personally suggest you record the furst moments they realize what the fuck you did. You can find the roaches online.

 

I sprained my ankle playing kickball. Right after that I did a very smart thing and jumped over the ball to get to furst base. I've been limping and as a result my other leg is getting unimaginably painful cramps.

You can't tell but I'm screaming on the inside right now.

I also have no fucking clue how to play this.

[Feelwell]

See what's important is you got to first base. 

Now the treatment you need is a plan to get to second base. In kickball, of course.

 

It's summer and now I'm going to be a shut in and be pasty and play videogames.

I need a cure.

[Faust]

This is quite normal for a newborn baby. I'd be more worried about the fact that you seem to have the intellectual capacity of at least a 15-year-old. I prescribe crying, crapping your pants and sucking on a nice juicy pair of titties.

Come to think of it, most of my best cures involve sucking on a nice juicy pair of titties. Is there something wrong with me?

[LazerMaster5]

Yes. You sound like a pervy heterosexual. Why not suck on a big fat dick every now and then?

Can someone tell me why I like cheesy action movies?

[Frig]

On ‎6‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 1:49 AM, Rhíulchabán said:

You don't need a cure... you already Feelwell, yet you complain of being inside too much! I think the psychologist of hard-knocks will cure you! *smacks with a large stick and destroys gaming consoles*

 

Now get outside! 

 

I have not existed for the last few months, and now suddenly I have reappeared... where was I? Did I leave my mind there? Help me!?

(skip me, obviously)

[TheGreatFanatic]

There's nothing wrong with like those. In fact, I myself actually quite enjoy them. Have you ever seen that really old movie Empire Strikes Back? 

 

Doc, I need help.

I'm bi.

[DrGravitas]

Bipolar? Here, take these drugs. And these. And a couple of these to deal with the side-effects of combining the first two. Then call me in the morning.

I, however, have a terrible habit of interrupting people, finishing their words or sentences, and jumping to wild conclusions!

[Feelwell]

Now why don't you-

Now see here-

Look if you'll-

No not-

Are you fucking-

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SHUT UP

I'm proscribing a ball gag, don't ever remove it!

[Caledonian]

I have no idea who i should be curing, but I'm sure a daily dose of absinthe will fix all of your problems.

I personally speak in a fake Scottish accent all the time

[LazerMaster5]

Try speaking in a thick Indian accent instead, then proceed to become a telemarketer for scam PC software sites.

I might be bisexual, but I am really not sure.

[Faust]

Attach a protractor to the side of your penis then walk slowly around a mixed-gender nudist beach. Pause occasionally to make a note of the angle of the dangle, the proximity and hotness of each gender in the area. Correlate into a table with the hottest at the top and the ugliest at the bottom. Discard the bottom 75% as irrelevant. Now, split into two tables for male and female. If both tables have high comparative penile angles then you're bi. Otherwise, you should also be able to work out of you're hetero- or homosexual.

If you don't get a good angle on either table you're either asexual, suffering from impotence, a woman, a robot, or a nudist. More tests may be necessary to determine which. Come back if you need more help.

I keep trying to fill my music speakers with tea.

[Fossa]

This is a clear sign that you are unconsciously fed up with both music, and tea. Probably, all your life, you've labored under the burden that all people in the UK must love tea. But secretly, you probably would rather drink coffee, goat's milk, red wine, or a vintage bottle of 1982 type 0+ yak's blood. Now's the time to buy an easel, head out to the museum, and buy a nice bottle of Bordeaux on your way home. 

I'm afraid to post too much outside of the games section, here. On most forums, I'm everywhere. I keep wanting to make an intro thread, but am also a bit scared, which is unlike me. I think maybe because of bad experiences I had on FA, where I got bullied a lot. Hard to get over the fears.

[Feelwell]

What you need is a real therapist. Why are you in my house?

But honestly the community here is pretty good, maybe even great. The mods handle bullying fairly well but I highly doubt it'll occur.

So make one if you want, or not and just not be bothered. It's not required ya know. Just remember this is a pretty friendly place and people work to keep it that way.

 

I had three hours of sleep and now I can't be tired at all and I'm fucking clairvoyant. I've been predicting stuff all day spot on. Also I have much sharper vision and was able to spot really hard to see stuff in the bushes and around the place for some reason.

[Faust]

The first point you should probably be aware of is that lack of sleep causes hallucinations. That accounts for the sharper vision and being able to see things in bushes and stuff. I suffer from it all the time as I'm an insomniac. The clairvoyance is most likely false memory syndrome; an event occurs and your brain concocts a memory in which you had predicted it inside your head. I've also had this myself from time to time. The thing to do is the next time you have a vision, write it down somewhere that you won't lose it. If it comes true and the note is there, then you're genuinely clairvoyant. I'd recommend using a smartphone as many will record also the date upon which the note was last edited.

I'm covered in bits of croissant from breakfast but I can't seem to brush them off.

[Feelwell]

10 hours ago, Faust said:

I'm covered in bits of croissant from breakfast but I can't seem to brush them off.

They're spiders.

(Skip me)

[Faust]

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!

...wait, I like spiders.

[Augmented Husky]

Simple proceed to eating said spiders since bats can eat bugs.

 

Here and then I ask myself if being cybernetic took anything away from who I was before uploaded to this new substrate. Isn't it quite freaky that

a soul and mind can exist without my former body ?

[TheGreatFanatic]

You think of being a rubut c: as a bad thing?

 

My life's been shit lately. Someone stole the last piece of cake, even when I had my name on it.

[Feelwell]

Put your name on them, and eat them.

 

I made plans to routinely exercise with my friend every other day to get fit and now I am dreading it. But I really need to do it.

[Faust]

You'll be fine once you start. As previously noted, exercise releases endorphins in the brain, and just think how wonderful the hot bath / shower will feel when you get back all exhausted and sweaty. You might even get your friend in there with you *mwahaha* hope they're sexy!

I'm not allowed pets

[Fossa]

 

10 hours ago, Faust said:

You'll be fine once you start. As previously noted, exercise releases endorphins in the brain, and just think how wonderful the hot bath / shower will feel when you get back all exhausted and sweaty. You might even get your friend in there with you *mwahaha* hope they're sexy!

I'm not allowed pets

Not allowed pets? This is a clear sign that you've come to be too easy to control, and follow whatever rules and regulations people have made for you. It's time to step forward, and rebel! First, pierce that flat 'lil nose, then, it's time for a mohawk and combat boots. And after that, a ferocious pet, with a big spiky collar. And then you tell these people making the rule, 'No Pets', "Ha!", and just laugh in their face as your pet Baboon bites them in the butt!

I feel like I have to sneeze all the time.