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Phoenixed Anonymous Confessions

MuttButt

By MuttButt,
in The Watercooler

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MuttButt Newbie

MuttButt

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Here's a bunch more! 

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I feel absolutely no need to make this anonymous, but heh, why not...

 

I'm lost. I just thrashed an entire career that would undoubtedly have burned me within months. And I feel I just opened a Pandora box by doing this. I'm not depressed, or sad, or even angry. Just lost...

 

I'm realizing I'll have to be creator of some sort if I want my life to be at least semi-enjoyable. It's something I've done for as long as I can remember, be it on paper, tape or video, I don't feel truly alive if I'm not creating something. Drawing in particular is what I'm meant to do. It just fits me best.

 

On the other hand I'm afraid to take that direction in life, partly because I've always been very secret about my creative side. Lack of self-esteem still makes me too insecure to reveal it. But as time goes, it's inevitably growing stronger, to the point it gets increasingly difficult to keep it an underground part of my life.

 

Whenever I dip my toe in a particular group/career/activity, it always strikes me how I feel no connection. I'm not a real sportsman, or a real nerd, or a real anything else for that matter. What feels natural is drawing, and I know it. But I don't want to accept it, I still deny it. It's solitary passions that drive me in life, even though it makes me feel really lonely. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like to have a few close, caring friends, and that I don't feel people are being just the opposite with me.

 

 It all means choices I'll have to make. But they'll be really tough ones...

 

(On second thought, this being anonymous may be a good thing. I won't imagine others reading this and thinking "Oh there he goes AGAIN. It's getting annoying, who cares about him.". Unless somebody finds out who this is from. Then it'd mean this somebody cares and knows enough about me to know I wrote it. In such a case, feel free to brag about how I was wrong LOL.)

Aww, please don't be afraid to let out your creative side! Especially around this crowd. They may fight a lot and act all edgy at times, but really you'd be hard pressed to find a more supportive bunch when it comes to creative things like drawing and music. Follow your heeeaaarrrrt

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I don't really feel like I connect with the fandom properly anymore, and I love some of the art and I feel too attached to my fursonas to just up and leave. But I just wish I knew of some other community that had the same expansive groups and diverse people without the necessary need for it to be furry related. I can't really think of another place so I stay even though I feel more like a hopeless lurker who isn't really a part of the community.

Well if ya lurk all the time it's no wonder you don't really feel connected to the community! Maybe shoot me a PM sometime and we can chat a little~

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I don't understand how people stay on so many different parts of the forum and constantly talk in different sections so much. feels like way too much to keep up with.

It's partly circumstantial and partly personality based I reckon. Some people have more free time on their hands than others, and some people are just naturally really adept at multi-tasking and socializing. 

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I often feel like what I say and do comes off as really self-centered, so I try really hard to turn conversations around when talking with someone to try and keep conversation off of me. However, I'm not good at talking to begin with, so oftentimes conversations wind up really short, have long pauses, or are just awkward, and it bothers me because I often worry that I'm being boring or that someone doesn't like me and just finds me annoying. I'm very self-conscious and constantly worried that I'm coming off as rude, boring, or unlikable.

I know them self-conscious feels, that's for sure. It's hard, but you really gotta find a good balance between humility and confidence, courtesy and self-respect, etc etc. There's no easy answer except to just be mindful of your interactions with others and do your best to grow as a person. That's what I'm goin' for, anyways.

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Oftentimes when people post things where they say they're depressed and/or suicidal or just have had an awful time, I don't respond and I feel bad about it. I don't respond not because I don't care though, but just because I don't know what to say. I care and I so badly want to express that, but I don't know how, so I just never reply. I don't want to say something redundant or unintentionally hurtful or obvious or something the OP has seen a thousand times already. Occasionally I might like someone's post in agreement in such threads but never speak myself, and because of this, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out and being lazy and coming off as if I don't really care.

I respect quiet people, because they often chose to speak at the times that really really count and that makes their words mean that much more. That said, even if it -seems- like what you say to somebody doesn't matter, just being acknowledged by another human on a shitty day and hearing something sweet or pawsitive can really make a huge difference. S'why I go out of my way to be nice to everybody when I can.

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Every now and then I lock myself away somewhere for an undetermined amount of time so I don't have to face the world. Not because I'm hiding or overwhelmed but because if I'm out there I know I really will jump in front of that car.

Whoever you are, I really hope that you never go through with such a thing. I like having every single one of you around, you all bring personality to the forums and make it what it is, even if it ain't perfect.

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I'm the very definition of a loser. I live in my parents basement, have no job, spend all of my time on the computer, shower once a week, don't exercise and lots of other things that are downright shameful. My excuse is that I have a severe mental disorder that prevents me from even leaving my room without being anxious. I can't do anything myself without freaking out and ritualizing for hours so I have become completely dependent on other people for literally just about everything.

 

I've been seeing therapists for years and have taken every recommended drug on the market. Nothing has helped. I think maybe I'm a shitty patient instead of my doctors being incompetent. My methods of living are killing me while I waste away in this room that has effectively become my own prison. So much of my life has been wasted on this disease while I've simultaneously been ruining the lives of my parents. They have become so frustrated that they probably regret having me.

 

They want to get me into some kind of special care apartment but I know my anxiety is way too bad that it would not work out. I don't really know where to turn. I try not to think about it all of the time, but the only future I see for myself is to die and maybe give my parents their lives back. Alas, I can't even stay focused on that and keep putting it off. Maybe some part of me hopes there will be something to fix me in the near future.

 

I've just about hit rock bottom. I also feel like a pussy because I'm sure many people out there deal with things way more difficult. Like being homeless, abusive parents, or cancer.

 

I just want to be remembered. I want to do something cool with my skills online that would make people respect me, but I'm too much of a lazy piece of shit to even do that.

 

I miss being a kid. Life was fun back then and I was too dumb to appreciate my youth. I could've done so much more, but I threw away those opportunities to sit around playing video games or messing around on the internet. Oh I have typed a lot on this form... Sorry about that. I'll end it here.

 

Feel free to comment.

That sounds like a dreadful situation, and I can only imagine what it must feel like to struggle with mental illness in such a way. I'm gonna refrain from giving you a bunch of advice because I really don't know the full extent of your predicament, but I will say that it's never too late to change your life for the better, and as long as you're still alive it's not too late. Try to improve yourself in little tiny ways if you can, baby steps, even just something like start showering more regularly, Do it to make you feel better about yourself if nothing else. Before you know it you might be seeing a real change in your mindset You can do it furriend, I have faith in you!:3

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Is it weird that I actually want to meet some of you face to face? Mostly because for one reason or another pretty much everyone here deserves a good slap. Either as a wake up call done out of love, or just because you're a pretentious moron who needs a snap back to reality.

Naw, I also wanna meet a bunch of you in person, but mostly to give out hugs! :> (and maybe drugs. if you're into that.) 

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I wholeheartedly believe in extraterrestrials. Even though it sounds crazy, and I feel completly insane when I think about it, I truly believe I'm not entirely human (I'm what's known as a walk-in; having taken a willing human's body and implanting an E.T. soul). I really want to talk with someone who feels the same. I'd like to bring this up with people but I know it's completely off putting and I'd most likely be ridiculed. [No. I'm not a ____-kin or any of those.]

 

Sometimes I don't sleep for days because I'm convinced Grays come for me to harvest pieces of my light-body (soul) for energy.

There's stranger things to believe in I suppose. But whether you're right or you're delusional, I'd seriously recommend speaking to a therapist or maybe a close friend who you trust to help deal with paranoid thoughts and other such negative things. It can't be healthy for you in the long run.

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I'm another of those people who never contacts anyone from the community despite thinking that an awful lot of people here are really great, and wanting to get to know them better. I just hope that people contact me because I'm too afraid to do it. I fear that I come across as rude to a lot of people because of that, but I'm afraid to talk to people most of the time in fear of saying the wrong thing.

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I've been here years. I don't really talk to anybody on an individual basis. I don't even talk to people I called friends before. They don't talk to me either. I can't depend on anybody, and nobody depends on me. I don't have any friends at all.

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I really like you guys and gals but sometimes I get a feeling I am not welcome. I am sure you have nothing against me but the sense of paranoia has already settled in and I am trying to keep all that hurtful nonsense inside me from hurting you.

Dang, there's too many comments like these ones! I really wish I knew who you were so I could say hello! Maybe I'll just start poking random people who I don't see interacting with others regularly :3

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When I was a child I wasn't above stealing food when I was hungry.

It's okay, everybody screws up when they're kids, it's part of being a kid. Besides, somebody else in your life was fucking up if you were so hungry that you felt like you had to steal something to get a good meal. You're not a bad person.

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I fear I've fallen irredeemably out of favor of the cliques on the forum, yet I'm terrified of being alone

There are very few people who fit into that category, and most of them are banned. I think that if you just be nice to folks and show them you really mean well then everything will be okay.

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When I need to go for a piss at night and I don't want to wake anyone up by going to the toilet, I do it out of the window

A true gentleman. How are your plants doing?

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I need to pee.

I recommend going out the window!

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Sometimes I feel like leaving behind all my hobbies and interests because of the ridicule I get from them, from people online and in real life. Or, at the very least, keep them a secret. I'm just "too childish" to some people for liking what I like and "too obsessed" to others for actually expressing interest in said hobbies.

Please don't. You shouldn't ever have to feel ashamed of, or apologize for being passionate about something, even if it's weird or silly. Just as long as you aren't hurting anybody.

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After reading pastry's post regarding this, I discovered that referring to myself by my sona's species in my inner monologue makes me really giddy and happy. The corruption is spreading.

HAH, tell me about it. I make my girlfriend give me tummy rubs and call me a good boy :>

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Is it wrong, to be somewhat jealous of those I love and care for? No matter how hard I seem to be trying, I still can't seem to move on in life, while everyone I love and care for is moving forward. I shouldn't be mad, and I hate myself for it. But it just happens.

It's not wrong, as long as you're mindful of it and you don't let it affect the way you treat your loved ones. I caution you to avoid wasting your time comparing yourself to others though, unless you're doing it for motivation it can only cause you harm.

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The Fandom is too hard on Chase. He was just a kid, but it is unnacceptable to have any other opinion than him being a monster.

I have no comment because I literally know nothing about the dude except that he allegedly molested a dog and he was an unpopular moderator on FA/FAF.

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Okay, I'm going to stop shitposting and tell a real confession. I pretend that I was never a part of FAF but I was. I used to go to Old FAF all the time. Why did I hide this? Because I have this strong feeling that I was hated. You see, when I was a member I was going through an edgy teenager phase and I don't want to remember the cringey shit I said.

It's okay to want a clean slate and start a new beginning. As I stated before though, I personally believe it's far more admirable for a person to live up to their past mistakes and demonstrate how much they've grown as a person. That's the kind of person I really admire.

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I honestly don't think the people here on the forums are as open-minded as they believe themselves to be. They are more-so than other places for sure, but on the way up beyond others, it seems they reached just another ideology to sit comfortably with, and defend without thought when it is provoked.

That's what most people/groups are like. It's just human nature. Just something to really try and keep in mind. I'm sure I do it all the time too.

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MuttButt Newbie

MuttButt

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I met one of my best friends on FAF. We haven't met in person yet due to distance, but we talk almost every day. I worry more and more that I'm going to push him away because I get in a bad place occasionally and push people away a lot. He's stood by me all this time though and I can't express how grateful I am.

I think you should talk to him about that if you haven't already! He sounds like a good furriend, and it sounds wonderful that you've found such a relationship here. Good for you <3

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I think about and want sex all the fucking time. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a goddamn freak, especially because I live with my partner. no comment pls

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A lot of you guys think I'm nice. Its mostly because I'm very good at hiding how I feel about the majority of people. The minority part is that I don't know how to be a little mean. Its either extreme. Furthermore, I have to be nice and social; it depends on my social life, online life, and so on and so forth. Shit's fucking exhausting.

I'm sure a lot of people are in the same boat. For what it's worth, I think it's nice of you to be considerate enough of other people's feelings to not just blurt out your mean or rude opinions of them. A lot of people aren't even that nice.

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This is not a troll confession.

What you are about to read did not happen for sexual gratification of any kind.

 

When I was a child, I was raped. For weeks afterwards I felt dirty and violated. I felt that demons were inside of me. I couldn't sleep and I lost the will to eat. I did get saved from this mental torture though, and this is my confession. My best friend at the time was a border collie. She could see my suffering and I often lay with her and cried. One day when I was getting out of the shower (I was only 11) she came to the bathroom and sniffed me down there. She had never done this before. I allowed her to clean me. Not for sexual reasons, but because I didn't want that monster to be the last thing that touched me for the rest of my young years.

 

Afterwards, my nightmare were gone. I didn't feel dirty. I started eating again. My border collie never sniffed me in that area again. To this very day I truly believe she could smell the demons and cleaned them away. I do not think that way about animals so please understand that.

I have never spoken about this before, and probably never will again. She was my best friend and she saved my life.

I was waffling on posting this one at all because I felt like it draw some rude remarks, but yaknow what? Let the record to show that this is a beautiful story and I'm really glad you shared it. Dogs are really amazing animals. I'm happy she could help you move past your trauma.

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I find it annoying when furries regard watersports as weird and gross while having a fetish equally as bizarre such as fat/inflation, vore, hyper to ridiculous proportions, etc. They usually like buttholes too. BUTTHOLES are covered in POOP. Even if you can't see it, there's still traces of fecal matter and bacteria in and around the anus unless you have a bleach enema. Why can't they admit we all have weird fetishes?

I agree with this sentiment insofar as that it's hypocritical to ridicule somebody else's fetishes when you most certainly have at least on that is probably weird or gross to them. At the same time, people are entitled to dislike certain things. I wouldn't let it get under your skin so much. 

Gee, urine sure seems to be a recurring theme in these confessions.

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At the age of 5, I was born without a face.

 nOXVdJZ.gif

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i like feral dragons too. is god mad?

almost definitely

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Sometimes I wish I could Disappear. Not die, but remove myself so far from life that I was just an observer. I used to do this. Every time I've gotten involved someone has gotten hurt. Offline and on I've been nothing but hurt. I feel like I'm plugged in but getting no juice. I just want to disconnect

I'm willing to bet that there are plenty of people you've made an impact on in positive ways, even if it's just something small. I hope you find somebody to talk about this with, such as a friend or therapist. It's not easy to deal with dismal feelings like this alone.

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Wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one on here who feels like a complete outcast.

Not celebrating other people's suffering, just happy I'm not alone.

Well, I sort of am alone, but y'know... We should form a phoenixed-lonelies club. Bond over our loneliness.

That sounds like a swell idea! :D

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I heard her voice again last night for the first time in a long time. I thought I was over this, and over her. I'm starting to believe the things she's saying again and I can feel it painting my interactions with others

Be strong furriend, you're the only one who gets to decide what kind of person you are! And of course, the obligatory "if you're literally hearing voices in your head then please see somebody about it ASAP!"

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Whether or not the amount of money I make is the reason he said no to dating me despite being close.

Being rejected isn't fun, but you gotta remember that people are not required to date you for any reason. If they're not interested, it'd do you a lot of good to move on and find somebody else more compatible :3

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Sometimes I feel like that all I do is piss people off and make others upset. But I feel like I can't let it show it makes me upset because I need to be strong because if I'm not strong enough to deal with it, then I really can't do much of anything.

Somewhat relevant song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU3472bvdHI

There's absolutely no shame in being upset and vocalizing it, as long as you aren't a jerk about it. Bottling it up is an unhealthy habit, and one I'm guilty of all the time as well. I promise if your friends are decent people, they will at the very least listen to your complaints respectfully and try to sympathize with you, even if they don't agree.

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PastryOfApathy Newbie

PastryOfApathy

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After reading pastry's post regarding this, I discovered that referring to myself by my sona's species in my inner monologue makes me really giddy and happy. The corruption is spreading.

I was kinda embarrassed about it at first, but honestly once I got over it I've never been happier. :3

So long as you're self-aware enough to not like, act like a sperg about it there's no harm in indulging in silly stuff like this. ;p

Now I'm kinda curious who this is though lol. PM me if you feel like talking about it.

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Gamedog Newbie

Gamedog

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My roommate said that I M too harsh on my sister

i feel that I am sometimes too harsh

i have a habit of becoming enraged and snapping people if they act in a perceived weak way in front of me IRL 

 

i I do not like when people can't speak their mind and they waffle about things instead of saying it straight. She does this a lot

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Vallium Newbie

Vallium

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To everyone who's been in this community for years but never talks to people privately and/or makes friends,

lol, same here. Its totally okay to PM me sometime just to say hi or say a random fact about your day, your interest, your life. The talk can be extremely short but as long as its done and we get some personal spark, itd be nice. I personally think Im going to attempt something along those lines more, as I really do admire a lot of people here...

 

 

To the person with extreme anxiety who cannot leave their room. Thats truly terrible, I'd like to suggest as well you start with small things such as exercising, bathing, eating, etc. Perhaps try to put away the internet and videogames and go outside (not with people but maybe outdoors, in nature, go for a walk), find new tasks, experience new things. 

I cant really help you much since most advice, as Matty had implicitly stated, is easier said then done when anxiety is a big threat in and of itself...but maybe some of you're barriers are just in your head and I would advise you to tread carefully because having a despair mindset is a "self fulfilling prophecy"...Im sorry and good luck, we will support you.

 

To the person who recovered from trauma because of their dog. That story is heartbreakingly beautiful and I commend you for your bravery to share that even anonymously

 

To the person ashamed of their obsessions, read my sig as well :v Honestly, being hopelessly in love and passionate about things is some of the best feelings in the world, even if its hard to when others dont share or understand your sentiments. My suggestion is just be aware of how much you share and with who, and dont overshare. Some people you can drop your hobby to a little bit, some not at all. Sometimes, its simply a personal treasure you keep to yourself. Just dont feel the need to "throw away" things you care for. Ever.

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MuttButt Newbie

MuttButt

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I often save up my cum, and freeze it, in a little ice cube tray, so I can 'use' it later. It has a sort of mild sweet taste to it. Does anyone else do this?

Pics or it didn't happen

actually no, please, never pics

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I think you're really chill and wish we could chat more.

bruh x///3

Please don't hesitate to PM me or something. I love making new furriends.

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I peed in peoples' trashcans if I didn't like them.

I...I feel like that's worse for the poor garbage collectors than it is for them 030

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I am wildly in love with Hux. E smoke wed and doesnt afraid of anytihng

ok

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I sometimes wish my depression would come back so I would me more enthusiastic about killing myself just to get it over with.

With all due respect, you still seem awfully depressed to me with that attitude. I hope you're seeing a therapist or you at least have people close to you in your life who are aware you're having suicidal thoughts. I think we've lost enough people on this forum.

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Im angry and frustrated.

 

As it stands, I've been trying for months and months to accomplish something, something that on some level I dont believe is possible.

 

My friend has been encouraging me to do it, but I havent really succeeded, I dont even think the things Ive tried have actually worked in any sense, it's just all in my head.

 

Then I learn that my other friends have done it. It had taken them significantly less time to try something I've been trying for longer, some of them not even intending to at all. It leaves me feeling like theyre just faking it on some level and all of them sincerely delusional, or that Im just not good enough and never will be until Im dead. In a way Im happy for them, but Im also angry and jealous and that part of me is simply overshadowing it and Im simply just sick of hearing it.

 

I'm aware its a bad attitude to have but I just don't know what to do. All I know is I supposedly have to keep trying...

I wish I could be more helpful, but since you didn't actually mention what this thing is, all I can say is that it will do you no good to compare yourself to others for any reason except to motivate yourself. Being envious of other people's progress will only eat you up inside, and competing with other people for the same goal with this mindset will only continue to destroy your self confidence. It's okay that it's taking you longer, it doesn't make you a lesser person, everybody has different strengths. You will get there eventually as long as you don't give up.

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It really bothers me that a lot of Steven Universe fan art often depict the gems with breasts.

Rose Quartz is not an example, she's an exception.

I wouldn't let it bother you too much. It's just fanart, people are allowed to be "wrong" about certain details or even change them on purpose because they want to make their own depiction of the character. If ya don't like it, ya don't have to look at it.'

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I wish people flirted with me

As a giant attention slut...I feel you, lmao

It helps to be outgoing and confident and do a little flirting of your own in my experience. If you put out them positive vibes, they'll come floatin' back your way, maaan

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I don't know what to do with friends.

Like an artist that doesn't know where to put the hands.

I want to PM them every hour,

"wow thank you for liking me please don't go away"

I'm still trying to figure out if this is some kind of poem o3o

I would probably refrain from doing that by the way. It's always sweet to let friends know that you're grateful for them, but clingy behavior to that degree kinda rubs most people the wrong way.

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[This may only be suitable for the red lantern section.]

I have a fetish for wearing diapers. I have worn them a couple of times, because I wanted to satisfy my curiosity and hoped that I would discover I didn't enjoy it, so that I could finally dispel my fetish. I found out, to my dismay, that I really enjoyed wearing and using them.

I know that there's nothing wrong with this; it's a safe fetish, but the fact that most other people find it objectionable makes me feel bad about myself. So I keep it secret.

If the mods think this isn't suitable for the regular forums I'll take it down at their request. It doesn't seem that explicit to me. 

I don't think you should feel bad about yourself. You can't control what you like and what excites you. I find kink shaming of any kind to be immensely hypocritical, especially among furries. 

Don't be ashamed of who you are, but be aware that you should be tactful about discussing your fetishes with others in general. It's okay to share it with a lover or in an appropriate private conversation and stuff, but i wouldn't be waltzing down 1st street in a diaper either, ya feel?

If this has really been weighing on you and you wanna talk about it further, I want you to know that you can hit me up anytime and I will be happy to lend a non-judgmental ear.

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Many years ago I was working a summer job doing maintenance duties at a graveyard. It was a tedious job but a great way to spend some time alone with my thoughts uninterrupted. While cutting the grass around gravestones I would read the names and dates on them to see if there were any people I might have recognized. One tiny gravestone I came across happened to have a birth and death date only a few months apart, which meant they died as a baby. I also noticed that they had the same last name as me and were born a couple of years before I was. My last name isn't really that uncommon in my area, so I didn't think too much of it, until I read a bit of smaller text underneath the name. It said "Beloved son to (my father's name) + (my mother's name)"

 

That's when I discovered that that my parents had a child between the birth of myself and my older brother. My parents have never mentioned this to either me or my brother and I avoided asking about it for a long time out of consideration for their feelings. However, one day while having an emotional breakdown, I brought it up. They said he died of a rare blood disease and nothing more specific than that.

 

My point of this confession is that for all of these years, I've reminded myself that if this child didn't die then I wouldn't have been born. I think he deserved to live his life more than I do. He probably would've turned out to be a better, more respectful son my parents could be proud of instead of the mess that I have become.

 

Why did he have to die? I never needed to be here.

It's really hard to say whether he would have or not, or how things would have panned out if he had survived. It doesn't matter though, at least i don't think so. Life is random and crazy and a lot of the time it's really unfair, but the best you can do is play the hand you're dealt and try to enjoy the little time we have here. If you're not pleased with the person you are, there's no reason that you can't try and change yourself for the better.

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I'm finding myself back in the same places with no explanation, and it's becoming grating to the point where I actually feel so empty that I just can't even move. I just give up and sleep for hours then wake up and think about going to sleep.

 

It only happens occasionally but it ruins everything. Everything special to me loses meaning. I can't deal with it, even now when I thought I had what made me happy.

 

I want to find a way out, but I'm scared it will require the same level of giving up on everything I thought I cared about to get there.

I know I sound like a broken record here, but -please-, see a professional therapist or psychologist guys! So many of you are hurting but it seems like most of you can't or won't find help, and it's really heart breaking. To me it's the equivalent of a diabetic or a guy with a broken femur not going to see the doctor, it's not gonna get better if you leave it alone or try to tough it out! T.T

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Endless/Nameless Newbie

Endless/Nameless

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6 minutes ago, Lemon said:

Hmm. Do you think this would be better suited for the Red Lanturn, or have a Red Lantern version so that you don't have to worry if its Raunchy or not?

Separate version for adult confessions would be a good idea; leave this one here for more pedantic ones and for those who don't have access

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