Intimacy on the Internet: Real Friends vs Internet Pen Friends

[jcstinks]

People are weird about the Internet.

I'll give you an example: say you have a bad day. You're in a chat room. You didn't get your paycheck on time this week, and your mother's threatening to throw you out of the house of you can't pay rent.

Distressed, your first thought is to share this information with everyone around you. You tell them about your problems with your family. You tell them money is tight. You tell them the problems are made worse by your anxiety and depression. You talk a lot about work, the people you work with, and how your boss never pays you on time.

Then, someone has the audacity to ask you what you do for a living. You go to tell them, but suddenly you feel anxious about sharing. That is too much information! Why do they need to know what you do? This is just the Internet, anyways, why do they need to know about your real life? You ignore the question and continue sharing intimate emotional details.

I encounter this all the time. It's strange to me, how people will spill their guts, wanting you to know their deepest secrets, but fearful that you know about their day-to-day lives, that they have a brother or sister, or that they live near Glasgow. What they look like, or what their first name is. This is information you would share with anyone who crosses you on the street. Yet, you would be afraid to share a tenth of that emotional life you share to the Internet.

In order to further my study of humans, my question for you, dear Internet, is this: What is the source of this identity compartmentalization? Most people cannot ever cross the streams: emotions belong on the Internet, and facts belong in meatspace. This is curious to me. Is it that the Internet feels "safe" for oversharing your secrets? Is it hard to be open about your actual life to people who know what you're really like? Please share your thoughts.

 

[TrishaCat]

Its oftentimes difficult to find people to talk to in real life, and oftentimes things are too personal in real life to where it makes one uncomfortable to talk about their problems, as you know these people or actually interact with them. After all, in real life you're right in front of these people and can and may interact with them on a day to day basis. They can see your face, see how you're feeling, and the idea of them knowing all that much about you might be more scary since they're always around. 

The internet feels much more distant, and generally in chat rooms and the like its much more comforting and easier to talk about one's problems because while people need to get these feelings out in order to feel better, they don't have to feel like they're being judged or make it more personal. You know people are listening to your problems and feel better because of it, but also know that you'll probably never meet these people nor do you have to interact with them unless you want to. In real life, this is not the case. 

While talking to blatant strangers in real life feels strange and foreign, as you're essentially burdening people who don't care about you whatsoever, the internet is much more distant, and chat rooms, especially ones with consistent regulars, whether people like each other or not, have people interacting for the sole purpose of interacting. If you've been part of such a community, its easy to talk about one's problems to said chat room to get one's feelings out. They're both distant but familiar. Not quite strangers, but you still don't know them. Its a lovely way to both know and not know who someone is, while in real life you just either know someone or don't.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Battlechili

[Chrysocyon]

I think you answered yourself at the end there.  I think people like the relative anonymity of the internet to complain and vent and get feedback about personal issues without actually getting personal.  People like to complain and feel validated.  Maybe there's nobody they trust in real life, maybe they just want a broader audience to hear them out, who knows.

I can't really say too much about it, though.  I personally don't like venting online, I agree it can be a little too personal and I don't want to burden anyone with my issues.

[Vae]

I always just considered it a matter of avoiding personally-identifying information.

People can't trace you back to your real name / location / life through "My wife threatened to leave me if I don't stop playing WoW for 18 hours a day! This is bullshit!"
They can, however, with things like your face / real name / etc.

The other thing about oversharing with people online is that it will not come back to crack you across the face, unless someone really has it out for you, either because of their own personal problems or something entirely heinous that you've admitted to.
You shut the computer off, and the conflict stops existing.
RL isn't quite that simple, especially when you're subject to reactions and biases and such of the people you have to rely upon in meatspace.

[Vallium]

JC you talk to the wrong people online, clearly. Some treat their online life separate but for me its really just being myself in written form. I have no issues sharing that info

I understand why some would not want to share information over the internet though, I too used to much fear the existence of the iconic online stalker/pedophile that tracks you down where you live and kills/molests you

Edited March 12, 2016 by WolfNightV4X1

[PastryOfApathy]

With me it's weird. I'll be blunt, I'm an officially certified aspie. Like I can't form meaningful relationships in "real life" to save my life, there's just this seemingly unchangeable aspect of my genetic makeup that has always sabotaged every attempt I've ever made at doing so. Like even in high school where there were people who wanted to be friends with me and do stuff out of class, I couldn't and pushed them away until 2 or 3 years later my dad gets a phone call from one of them asking if I was dead since they never heard from me again out of seemingly nowhere.

I mean I tried to fix things later on but it was just too late, everyone moved on and I lost every "real" friend I had because I felt like I had to for reasons I can't explain. Cut to now and I've never had any real serious friend since, as every time someone tried I would instinctively brush them off or otherwise act distant and secretive. The only other "friend" I made was some stoner who walked up to me and offered for me to sit with their friends in the campus cafeteria since they basically felt bad for me. Naturally we drifted apart and never saw each other again.

I guess in a way it's kinda the opposite as you describe. I can't get myself to share any kind of details with people irl whatsoever, hell I can't even get myself to tell my family I draw stuff anymore even when they talk about how "they love I used to draw". But online I'm more than willing to talk about myself, hell maybe a bit too much (as this thread demonstrates). I always figured it was because I had the ability to pace conversation however I wanted meaning I could mentally "retreat" whenever I needed to. It just kills me inside whenever my dad talks about how lonely I am, and how I need to talk to people and have a "real life" since I'd love to talk about everyone here but...can't.

My life is fucked.

[willow]

I thought this was going to be about online relationships and I'm kind of disappointed

people tend to overshare online because they don't have anyone they feel comfortable enough in real life to share things with. or because they feel that, even if the other people don't particularly know your situation or care, someone will still offer some advice or at least understand what you're going through. also as others mentioned, it's easier to share personal stuff online if you feel you'll probably never see the people you're talking to in real life.

[Vallium]

For me Im almost like pastry, its easier to form connections not just about my feelings but what I like, how I think, things about me because I can functionally explain it all in written word, rather than be a mess.

In real life it feels like there's a block between my brain and my mouth, so words dont form properly if at all. Whereas through my hands all the words I have come out fluently

[Guest]

The IRL people I'm stuck with suck. To be more specific, I'm referring to my classmates. They're either fake, uninteresting or downright assholes. I tried to make friends with 'em in the very first years of high school but they mistreated me: they pretended to be my mates while poking fun of me at the same time. Not saying that I hadn't it coming since I've been very mean to a certain person in middle school (karma's a bitch!), just that that's the thing that has probably shaped me in what I am now more than anything else, and that is an antisocial basement dweller LOL.

Seriously though, the only people on the planet that are remotely interesting are here. Even if in different measures, we're all a bunch of weirdos, my awkwardness and goofiness is tolerated here so since I'm relatively more understood I feel I can be a lot more open. I did try opening up with IRL people and it always went to shit so... Not doing that again

The only IRL person I know won't certainly judge me for what I am and what I like is my ma. I'm sure I could even tell her I'm a faggot and she would accept me. The thing is, I'm allowed to keep secrets. My ma, my pa, it's not necessary for them to know things that quite frankly are all trivial. If they knew it'd only be awkward and thorny. My mother is kind, maybe even too much, while my pa instead... He's not an evil man, quite the opposite, it's just that he's unpleasant. To him, everything he doesn't like, he doesn't understand is fucking stupid so if I'm closed to him it's because I know from the get go that he'll perceive my shit as ridiculous. Not sure why I'm closed to my ma as well

[Zerig]

well the only time I really feel like 'spilling my guts' is when its 2am and I may or may not be drunk.

and typically you're not going to call up your IRL friends at 2 in the morning to tell them shit, but online friends are easier to access and they might be in different timezones and ready to talk.

and also if you totally embarrass yourself online its easier to pretend it never happened and disappear

[Endless/Nameless]

For me, it's mainly a matter of whether or not I want to be easily identified. 

That furry I noticed on the "furry map" that lives in my town? It took me less than a minute find his real name, his picture, his age, his school, and a general idea who he is from a quick google search. All I needed was his listed username and the name of his city, that's it. That's how easy it is. You guys could probably find me too, but you'd have to put a little bit more work into it than that. 

Some people don't mind having their personal details on display like that, but others like to keep a few degrees of separation. Sometimes they're shy and want to be anonymous, sometimes they're afraid of being found+judged by friends/relatives, sometimes they're just really private people. Sometimes you gotta go where nobody knows your name.

And then there's the idea that internet socialization can be an opportunity to build your own identity, rather than be simply be defined the same way everyone else sees you irl. Somebody can be "that interesting person who's fun to talk to" instead of just "that fat kid from butthole Maine".

And also, theres always the factor of avoiding internet creepos. Gotta be a little careful.

As far as oversharing, I think it's because we've all got tons of stuff in our life that we're dying to share/vent about, but people irl are always either too busy to listen, too potentially judgmental to confess too, or just don't care enough to be burdened with it. Online, you're usually dealing with people who feel like talking and have time to discuss stuff, and you don't have to fight to get an audience or stare at their face as you struggle to express yourself. Plus there's also the value of having relative anonymity, since there can be a lot of things that are just too personal/delicate to share with those around you. And above all, you can feel like less of a nuisance; you don't make people feel like you're dumping it all in their lap all at once, people who don't want to hear about it can scroll past it, and if someone gives you shit about it it's a little easier to dismiss them.

[Clove Darkwave]

I'll also add in that sometimes you can share information to people on the internet more than the ones you meet in meatspace because chances are if they're around here, they're a little more aware/knowledgeable/sympathetic/etc. about certain things by virtue of being a 'net dweller.

[Pignog]

You should all be liking the OP. It is a good post and deserves to be liked. We do ourselves a disservice when we don't like the thread creators who keep the forums going.

I think I have a bunch to say about this, but I'll let the post ferment in my head a while/I'm in a rush.

 

[Spot]

It's quite simple, really. Internet culture help breaks down the walls of social anxiety on an anonymous level which, in turn, makes it easier to share yourself more freely in a consequence free environment  

And, pen pals can never make up for the intimacy and understanding you share with real life friends.    

[Dr. Doggo]

You can tell an unknowing stranger on the internet that you stuck your winkle in the turkey's bottom before last christmas eve without consequence, but that only lasts until they find out how they can inform someone you know in real life.

[jcstinks]

23 minutes ago, Pignog said:

You should all be liking the OP. It is a good post and deserves to be liked. We do ourselves a disservice when we don't like the thread creators who keep the forums going.

I think I have a bunch to say about this, but I'll let the post ferment in my head a while/I'm in a rush.

This is why you'll always have a place in my Top 8.

17 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

I understand why some would not want to share information over the internet though, I too used to much fear the existence of the iconic online stalker/pedophile that tracks you down where you live and kills/molests you

Many people say this, but I'm not sure I agree. Real life people can find you much, much more easily. In fact, if they have seen you, they have already found you! Finding someone Online is hard, but in real life, all you have to do is go where you already saw the person who probably ventures many identifying details immediately.

18 hours ago, Chrysocyon said:

I think you answered yourself at the end there.  I think people like the relative anonymity of the internet to complain and vent and get feedback about personal issues without actually getting personal.  People like to complain and feel validated.  Maybe there's nobody they trust in real life, maybe they just want a broader audience to hear them out, who knows.

I agree. I am usually right about most things.

[Sarcastic Coffeecup]

I like to keep the internet and IRL separate. Also what Gibby said, when there's no real risk of your circle of friends being told of what you say and do, it's easier to let people in on more confidential stuff

[Ieono]

Considering I have security clearance, I wouldn't want it to be revoked because of some of my more unorthodox views and behaviors. That is why I choose to not divulge the details of my personal life. That is fine by me though, because I like being cryptic and secretive, haha. 

[#00Buck]

"Venting" to strangers on the internet about how your mom is going to throw you out of the basement is an unhealthy practice. 

It makes you feel better about a situation that you should be actively working towards changing. 

If people vented less and used their emotional energy to change their lives they would be happier and more successful in the short and long term. 

[Ieono]

24 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

"Venting" to strangers on the internet about how your mom is going to throw you out of the basement is an unhealthy practice. 

It makes you feel better about a situation that you should be actively working towards changing. 

If people vented less and used their emotional energy to change their lives they would be happier and more successful in the short and long term. 

I disagree. Telling others about your problems can allow you to get advice and ideas on how to resolve the issues that you couldn't have come up with on your own. Yes, it is cathartic, but it can lead to rational solutions as well. Due to the catharsis, it can allow a person's own rational mind to prevail, permitting them to make better decisions. 

[Monochromatic-Dragon]

34 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

"Venting" to strangers on the internet about how your mom is going to throw you out of the basement is an unhealthy practice. 

It makes you feel better about a situation that you should be actively working towards changing. 

If people vented less and used their emotional energy to change their lives they would be happier and more successful in the short and long term. 

I kind of agree, if venting is only used as an outlet for emotion. But, sometimes speaking something out loud - or in this case, typing it out - can allow one to organize their thoughts and aid the decision making process, or push one to action. Thoughts, when bottled up inside, can be disorganized for certain people. Speaking to someone about them or typing to them allows a person to see those thoughts from a different perspective. 

But if you only whine about it on the internet because you want butt pats or whatever, then that is unhealthy. 

[Jerry]

Ironically I have no problems sharing more personal stuff about me. I just don't disclose sensitive information and I keep a separation between the furry fandom and the rest of my online activities. 

But that serves me no purpose, because I feel totally unable to relate to anybody, even online. To me, it's hard to imagine how my hobbies, my opinions and all that would interest anyone.

Most of the time I just don't know what to say. Not by lack of vocabulary or anything, there's nothing I can think of that's worth adding to the discussion. And if it's not been said, I expect somebody else to mention it in a much more confident way than I would. I can't hold an opinion when it's challenged either, i.e. I'm the absolute worst at debates.

I vent from time to time but very rarely in a serious manner by fear of being told to STFU about it. "Once bitten, twice shy" best describes my mindset regarding venting of personal problems. So I keep it inside.

TL;DR -> I don't socialize at all because I'm spineless and have no confidence.

[Snagged]

Quote

You ignore the question and continue sharing intimate emotional details.

My psychology teacher once said that the best treatment one can have for their mental problems can be someone who listens. What would be a better place than strangers in the internet since they have no influence on your real life problems.

If you have a depression and tell about it to your mother, she might consider sending you to a psychologist. And if you are angry about her decision, then it's going to hurt you emotionally chances are you also love her. It is a very conflicting feeling; To love and hate and one naturally tends to avoid.

People online don't matter to you and you either ignore their recommendations or heed them but regardless, when you're online, you're seeking comfort, confirmation (bias) and advice in situations when you're feeling down

Quote

Then, someone has the audacity to ask you what you do for a living. You go to tell them, but suddenly you feel anxious about sharing. That is too much information! Why do they need to know what you do? This is just the Internet, anyways, why do they need to know about your real life? 

Even though it is easier to spill your beans over the internet, not everyone has confidence enough to confess some of the more intimate things. People fear they are being judged for their qualities and choices

[Alexxx-Returns]

I don't actually care about most personally-identifying stuff. I mean, I don't want people knowing EXACTLY where I live, or what bank I'm using, shit like that. But then - that's all for the purposes of avoiding being the victim of financial fraud. Nothing more, really. I trust my friends online with my thoughts and feelings and other general information. I don't care if they know how many siblings I have, or where I go to uni, or anything like that (but somehow they already know where I went to uni without me telling them, but I can't explain that).

I like getting to know people more thoroughly online, isn't it better to be able to see them more as a real person like that?

[Endless/Nameless]

28 minutes ago, Jerry said:

I feel totally unable to relate to anybody, even online. To me, it's hard to imagine how my hobbies, my opinions and all that would interest anyone.

Most of the time I just don't know what to say. Not by lack of vocabulary or anything, there's nothing I can think of that's worth adding to the discussion. And if it's not been said, I expect somebody else to mention it in a much more confident way than I would. I can't hold an opinion when it's challenged either, i.e. I'm the absolute worst at debates.

I vent from time to time but very rarely in a serious manner by fear of being told to STFU about it. "Once bitten, twice shy" best describes my mindset regarding venting of personal problems. So I keep it inside.

I used to have issues like that quite often, but I've since gotten a little better at it all.

Most of these problems are cause by a lack of confidence. My advice? Fake it. Seriously. It's what I do!! In social situations where you feel intimidated/shy/etc, just act like you've got the upper hand. It's not as hard as it sounds. Think of it this way, it's not like they're any better or more important than you, so why should you have to act like they are? And they won't know the difference; they'll just think you've got your shit together. And the more you practice it, the more you'll find yourself actually feeling confident. If you're not a confident person by nature, you have to train it. I'm totally pulling this out of my ass but I've gotten good results this way myself.

A rule of thumb I go by is "always take the biggest chair".

And also, if you feel like you don't have anything to add to a discussion, don't obsess; just read other peoples replies if it's interesting, and move on. Your subconscious will be mulling it over in the back of your head, and more often than you'd expect you'll end up coming back later to chime in.

[Nekokami]

I find it easier to talk to people in text form rather than speaking. I have issues.

[Mapa]

4 minutes ago, Nekokami said:

I find it easier to talk to people in text form rather than speaking. I have issues.

Yeah, I feel a lot more comfortable in conversations that actually require thought when they're through text instead of speaking, mainly because I have more time to think. Half the time I'll type up a response to something, realize I'm being stupid, and back out before I actually hit the post button. I kind of feel like this makes me unable to have real spoken conversations though, since my mind just blanks out whenever I find myself in one.

[Teto]

Sometimes people will save photos of you that you posted 5 years ago and inexplicably still have them saved on their computer. It happens. I trust people with my anonymous feelings, but not my personal information. Feelings are just emotional waste, no different from anyone else's. Mine don't make me special or unique. It's just taking a shit. I'm okay taking a shit on an internet forum, but I'm not going to show them my wallet. Feelings aren't valuable.

I've opened up my identity a bit, but I still prefer relative anonymity.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Teto

[#00Buck]

10 hours ago, Ieono said:

I disagree. Telling others about your problems can allow you to get advice and ideas on how to resolve the issues that you couldn't have come up with on your own. Yes, it is cathartic, but it can lead to rational solutions as well. Due to the catharsis, it can allow a person's own rational mind to prevail, permitting them to make better decisions. 

Living in your mom's basement and being unemployed and pissing into bottles are all obvious problems that everyone knows how to solve. 

The failure to solve the problems and the constant sympathy for people who fail to solve the problems is toxic. 

[Yarra]

1 minute ago, #00Buck said:

Living in your mom's basement and being unemployed and pissing into bottles are all obvious problems that everyone knows how to solve. 

The failure to solve the problems and the constant sympathy for people who fail to solve the problems is toxic. 

Living in your parents' basement and pissing into bottles is a really bad state of affairs.   More so if you're unemployed!!  

[Ieono]

Just now, #00Buck said:

Living in your mom's basement and being unemployed and pissing into bottles are all obvious problems that everyone knows how to solve. 

The failure to solve the problems and the constant sympathy for people who fail to solve the problems is toxic. 

That isn't always the person's situation, but okay. Feel free to post silly things for the lulz and such. 

I knew a guy who posted a "woe is me" thread on reddit while in a similar situation, and ended up getting a job from a guy in his neighborhood through the thread. Things aren't so black and white.

[#00Buck]

Just now, Yarra said:

Living in your parents' basement and pissing into bottles is a really bad state of affairs.   More so if you're unemployed!!  

Especially if your mom spills the pee and then wants you to move out. 

The most important thing to do in that situation is to complain on the internet. 

Making positive changes in your life is not recommended. 

1 minute ago, Ieono said:

That isn't always the person's situation, but okay. Feel free to post silly things for the lulz and such. 

I knew a guy who posted a "woe is me" thread on reddit while in a similar situation, and ended up getting a job from a guy in his neighborhood through the thread. Things aren't so black and white.

Hand? 

[Yarra]

1 minute ago, #00Buck said:

Especially if your mom spills the pee and then wants you to move out. 

The most important thing to do in that situation is to complain on the internet. 

Making positive changes in your life is not recommended. 

Honestly when it gets to that point you pursue something drastic.  DO something crazy and let the dice roll.  Move.  Find water!  

[#00Buck]

Just now, Yarra said:

Honestly when it gets to that point you pursue something drastic.  DO something crazy and let the dice roll.  Move.  Find water!  

Get a job? 

Nah...

That can't be right. 

You need to complain and have someone suggest it to you. 

Then you have to try and find a way not to get a job. 

That's the age old pattern. 

[Yarra]

Or wait for the Federal Reserve to double seasonally adjust the employment numbers to make it look like everything is okay.  

[Jerry]

4 hours ago, Endless/Nameless said:

I used to have issues like that quite often, but I've since gotten a little better at it all.

Most of these problems are cause by a lack of confidence. My advice? Fake it. Seriously. It's what I do!! In social situations where you feel intimidated/shy/etc, just act like you've got the upper hand. It's not as hard as it sounds. Think of it this way, it's not like they're any better or more important than you, so why should you have to act like they are? And they won't know the difference; they'll just think you've got your shit together. And the more you practice it, the more you'll find yourself actually feeling confident. If you're not a confident person by nature, you have to train it. I'm totally pulling this out of my ass but I've gotten good results this way myself.

A rule of thumb I go by is "always take the biggest chair".

And also, if you feel like you don't have anything to add to a discussion, don't obsess; just read other peoples replies if it's interesting, and move on. Your subconscious will be mulling it over in the back of your head, and more often than you'd expect you'll end up coming back later to chime in.

This all makes sense. But it certainly won't be an easy task at all. I'm slowly realizing that I actually grew up in a socially very toxic environment, except at home. I tend to belittle it, or I'm not aware of the extent of the damages. Over the years I had to put myself in a very thick shell just to make it through all the harassment and bullying.

Maybe it's just time for me to move to another area and start over.

24 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

Especially if your mom spills the pee and then wants you to move out. 

The most important thing to do in that situation is to complain on the internet. 

Making positive changes in your life is not recommended. 

I'd swear I heard that story before. Wasn't that Sylox's... um incident, back on ze old FAF?

[#00Buck]

Just now, Jerry said:

This all makes sense. But it certainly won't be an easy task at all. I'm slowly realizing that I actually grew up in a socially very toxic environment, except at home. I tend to belittle it, or I'm not aware of the extent of the damages. Over the years I had to put myself in a very thick shell just to make it through all the harassment and bullying.

Maybe it's just time for me to move to another area and start over.

I'd swear I heard that story before. Wasn't that Sylox's... um incident, back on ze old FAF?

Yes. I miss Sylox. The forum would be much more entertaining if they were here. 

[Terminal7]

Is it wrong to save many lives and then end your own?  Or to allow others to end their's and save your own? 

I care very little for either, since humans can't be humans on the web. It's always this separate persona that I would skin if I could, but always grows back in layers - great exaggerations & lies keep coming to create a forced and artificial care, which is never enough. Each conversation becomes increasingly parasitic (on both ends) until both are mutually fucked up. Nobody is truly happy because of someone's digital signature. Only entertained, some more than others.