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1000 Ways To get Kicked out of Stores


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Here's a few:

* Disguise yourself as a member of staff and lounge around doing nothing, then when the floor manager tells you to do some work, tell him to fuck off.

* Spill water, broken glass and other hazards on the floor then set up a booth next to it with the slogan 'Have YOU had an accident in the supermarket that wasn't your fault?'

* Walk around with your arms tucked under your jumper and two really obviously fake plastic arms sticking out of your sleeves, then just wait to be accused of shoplifting.

* Dress up like a vampire then run up and down the cereals aisle screaming "Help! I've been bitten by Count Chocula!"

* Re-enact the original ending from 'Army of Darkness' with the aid of a Nerf shotgun and a like-minded friend in a zombie costume.

* Secretly hide a firecracker, phone in a bomb threat, then pretend to be a senile old lady and refuse to leave when the security guard asks you. Then set off your fire cracker and, when the guard flinches, throw off your disguise and shout "Haha! Got you!"

* Say to a security guard 'Please throw me out. I'm a baaaaad boy.' If he refuses, punch him on the conk.

* Eat a member of staff.

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Go to the warehouse club in your vicinity (Costco, Sam's Club, whatever). Put all their packages of D-cell batteries in the cart. All of them. Go to the deli, acquire fresh salmon and several large salamis; these also go in the cart. Go to electronics, get a GoPro camera. Off you go to automotive, place a crate of motor oil in the cart. Get six bottles of their club-brand vodka along with one box of club-brand garbage bags. Stop by the pharmacy and get one of those boxes of latex gloves, where there's something like 400 pairs in the box. At checkout, proposition the cashier with "Want to come back to my place? I'm building a Super Sloppy Double Dare course that'd make Gene Simmons blush, and I would love it if you were my first contestant."

Bonus points if the cashier is the same gender as yourself.


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Wear a suit, take a video camera and film around the inside of the store - especially at the checkouts. Don't just do this in stores, do it around international assemblies and public train stations for best results. It's not illegal, you're basically being CCTV.

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