Relationships (Closed or Open)

[DevilishlyHandsome49]

My bf and I had a conversation one time about how closed relationships are quite rare in the furry community. We thought even in general, outside of the community, open relationships were more common while closed were becoming a rarity or seen as old school.

The relationship I'm in is closed, only room for one love, don't like sharing. I was curious to those in relationships, are you open or closed? If not in one, which would you go for?

[Vae]

Closed.

I don't like sharing, the amount of people I'm attracted to is horrendously low as it is, and open relationships tend to invite a lot of drama and emotional chaos that I simply can't and don't want to deal with.
I'd rather just keep shit simple.

[Hewge]

Open relationships almost always end up being horribly one-sided and/or screwing over one of the persons involved. It's just the nature of things such as this.
Sometimes they can work out, and that's nice and all... But hey, sometimes you can give a monkey a banana-shaped gun and it might not shoot itself, too.

Me personally: Been there, done that. Nope. Old school is groove school. Hewge needs only one dance partner ♥ ~ (●´ω｀●)

[Cingal]

I'm not really into relationships in general, but, I typically prefer closed ones.

 

Call me old fashioned.

[Endless/Nameless]

Closed. 

C'mon, you're just asking for trouble otherwise. 

[Frozen Glacier]

Closed. 

 

Even if my partner believes otherwise.

[Kosha]

Open.

[Alexxx-Returns]

Closed. I couldn't do with being with someone who was with me and also others.

That said, I don't know how I'll do in a relationship now considering I'm obsessed with so many fictional characters. I've been single for too long.

[Jerry]

It'll have to be a closed relationship with me, because I'm a possessive bastard. C=

[Guest]

I mean.. I know I'm not monogamous in the sense that I choose to be. I do think sex and love can be shared. However, when I'm with someone who prefers to stay monogamous, I happily stay monogamous because I want him or her to feel happy and secure. 

[Catilda Lily]

Closed for sure.

[Butters]

Never know til ya try it, I suppose. 

[Ricky]

2 hours ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

I don't know how I'll do in a relationship now considering I'm obsessed with so many fictional characters.

Honestly, from a psychological perspective, you should mess around a bit first. I'm not just saying that. The thing is, when you relate something to sex for that long it can take a bit of time not only to "readjust" that reward system to something more instinctual but you won't necessarily know what it is you even like at first. Don't worry though, attraction to people is pretty rudimentary behavior and I have no doubt in my mind you are fully capable of it :3

1 hour ago, Lemon said:

I mean.. I know I'm not monogamous in the sense that I choose to be. I do think sex and love can be shared. However, when I'm with someone who prefers to stay monogamous, I happily stay monogamous because I want him or her to feel happy and secure. 

That's how I feel, but I'm split down the middle. I would be perfectly content, and probably even happier at least at first, to be monogamous with someone. I'm fully capable of having sex just for pleasure though, and not get feelings attached to it that ruin things. I don't think I'd ever want to go into an open relationship right off the bat, however. One would be setting oneself up for failure that way. It's really going against basic human instinct, that most mammals display, and I could give some pretty intricate detail regarding oxytocin (in females), vasopressin (in males) and the VTA but I don't wanna bore people. Suffice it to say, people are "temporarily monogamous" by nature, and coupling at least in the short term, is a built-in instinct.

When you get down to it, humans are not monogamous as a species except for a brief period of time. Only 13% of societies are monogamous and our strict Puritan laws contradict that people hold interest in a monogamous relationship generally at most for two years. Only 3% of mammals are monogamous and our closest two ancestors are the chimpanzees, who are known for their promiscuity and then bonobos, the kinky sluts of the animal kingdom. Monogamy in its strictest sense is an evolutionary disadvantage since it is contrary to variety which supports natural selection. This behavior in humans was only made necessary due to the large size of the cranium in comparison with the rest of the body and the female reproductive system that has enough trouble just giving birth as it is. People take much longer than other species to nurture as a child, which made it necessary to have the father around longer (though most isolated tribes take on a more communal approach to child rearing).

So, it is my feeling that most people who remain monogamous for any extended period of time are only denying themselves having what it is they want and are probably doing it because they otherwise feel insecure, which their marriage helps to placate. Even if there are couples where both partners are monogamous by choice despite other factors, law of averages dictates they are few and far between. If 13% is an accurate representation of an individual society for example, that would have a likelihood of about 1.7%.

It isn't just a "sex thing" but love, in addition to sex and orgasm, activates the VTA, the pleasure center of the brain. I think being able to satisfy this rudimentary desire outside of a relationship as opposed to denying it out of purely religious dogma, can help maintain a healthy relationship, not to mention you can have your cake and eat it, too

[FenrirDarkWolf]

While I'd prefer a closed relationship, I understand that, with a lot of us, we deal with long-distance relationships.

And we get... urges, and just. I would understand basically.

I'll be hella pissed off but.. I won't break it off. (Just tell me EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG)

[Alexxx-Returns]

Just now, Ricky said:

Honestly, from a psychological perspective, you really should mess around a bit first. I'm not just saying that. The thing is, when you relate something to sex for that long it can take a bit of time not only to "readjust" that reward system to something more instinctual but you won't necessarily know what it is you even like at first. Don't worry though, attraction to people is a pretty rudimentary behavioral instinct and I have no doubt in my mind you are fully capable of it :3

Oh I don't doubt THAT, the problem I think I'll have is that I'll be still obsessing over these guys (which I myself don't have a problem with doing) while being in a loving relationship with hypothetical real guy, and I don't want him to be made to feel inferior or jealous. I'd hate it if the guy obsessed over other girls while I was with him - if they were real girls.

[Ricky]

2 minutes ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

Oh I don't doubt THAT, the problem I think I'll have is that I'll be still obsessing over these guys (which I myself don't have a problem with doing) while being in a loving relationship with hypothetical real guy, and I don't want him to be made to feel inferior or jealous. I'd hate it if the guy obsessed over other girls while I was with him - if they were real girls.

That would go away after a while, I should imagine. Sex with a partner has a much stronger response and before long you will get used to that and want it more and more. It's also another reason not to lock yourself into a relationship at first, until you have enough experience to know what it is you want.

[DrDingo]

Closed for sure

Open just means you're fucking around and not really committed

It would kinda hurt me if I knew my partner was shagging someone else

[Ricky]

2 minutes ago, DrDingo said:

It would kinda hurt me if I knew my partner was shagging someone else

Why is that, if you don't mind my asking, assuming the two of you agreed on that, and were honest to each other?

If sex is the point of a relationship you may as well be looking for the bigger, better thing since lust wears off pretty quickly.

[Vallium]

12 minutes ago, FenrirDarkWolf said:

I'll be hella pissed off but.. I won't break it off. (Just tell me EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG)

This is my understanding, essentially.

 

I would prefer closed myself (I have no desires for others than than what I have), but open enough in the sense that I would want my partner to be honest to me about their desires, there's no excuse to cheat on someone, with me at least if someone wanted to ask me first about banging someone else I'd say go for it, just keep your feelings honest with me. Bonus if those attractions involve a three-way or something, because it means Im involved with them, too.

I dont mind sharing, I guess, But it has to be equal all around, otherwise it just isnt worth it.

 

Well anyways, whether or not one is in a relationship anyways isnt as important to me as if you're just happy, regardless.

[Ricky]

24 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

I have no desires for others than than what I have

Why are speaking in the third person? :V

24 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Bonus if those attractions involve a three-way or something, because it means Im involved with them, too.

I dont mind sharing, I guess, But it has to be equal all around, otherwise it just isnt worth it.

... Now you're getting it! x3

[Vallium]

19 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Why are speaking in the third person? :V

... Now you're getting it! x3

Because I like being vague, generic, and impersonal, motherfucker

[Ricky]

1 minute ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Because I like being vague, generic, and impersonal, motherfucker

That would make sense if you weren't explaining something personal, exclusively held between you and another.

[evan]

open but mainly for sexual reasons. part of the "open" relationship concept tends to evolve from an apathy to sex (not asexuality but rather i don't really care that i can be aroused unless it's under specific circumstances), and after a while i've really lost any emotional attachment to it. so i see it more of a thing that friends can enjoy more than it is a specific intimate act.

everyone has different sex. i don't really have an opinion. i think even though we agreed it doesn't really matter, part of it is that i don't really enjoy it not being with him. and we talk about things we have done, and kinda have a fun time of it, but we don't really seem to make it such a fundamental component of things.

for me when sex becomes treated as a strictly intimate act i tune out. i just have apathetic individualistic goals in the act of it, i don't really give a shit who it's with from an emotional standpoint. it's heavily aesthetic driven for me, so i therefore don't really have the ability to even care that much about cheating anymore. if anything i kind of like it...until someone tries to push emotions into it. again, that just shuts me out. i don't see how the act of sex and emotion relates and i personally don't even have the capacity to do it. i'm totally desensitized. i'd like to be offended like some are, but i just don't. 

maybe that's not really an open relationship. maybe that's just a lack of regulation on a closed relationship way of thinking. i'm not sure i even care. i don't expect anything i do or prefer to translate to others effectively.

[DrDingo]

1 hour ago, Ricky said:

Why is that, if you don't mind my asking, assuming the two of you agreed on that, and were honest to each other?

If sex is the point of a relationship you may as well be looking for the bigger, better thing since lust wears off pretty quickly.

This is theoretical because I'm single

But it'd bother me because it suggests they're dissatisfied with me and our feelings for each other aren't mutual like I thought they were.

[evan]

Just now, DrDingo said:

But it'd bother me because it suggests they're dissatisfied with me and our feelings for each other aren't mutual like I thought they were.

I sometimes wonder what the significance of this is

And they're your feelings not mine so I'm not going to say any of this like you should go start multi-fucking

 

It just seems to me like some people have an ability to appreciate more than one individual physically. If that sort of stuff has an emotional component to it, then it has to be asked whether it's that specific act, or if it's the fact that they love each other to begin with.

i guess really it depends on where the trust goes. if you're no longer the person they focus on, or if they don't always tell you, that may raise questions.

[Ricky]

6 minutes ago, evan said:

It just seems to me like some people have an ability to appreciate more than one individual physically. If that sort of stuff has an emotional component to it, then it has to be asked whether it's that specific act, or if it's the fact that they love each other to begin with.

Yeah, it's mainly a trust and security thing. It has been shown that males get aggressive toward other males and females during coupling, there is something to be said about that. Still, after a while that should go away and there's no reason a couple shouldn't be able to feel secure in their relationship despite doing stuff with other people. All of this is why I think it's better to wait a while first.

[Vae]

1 hour ago, FenrirDarkWolf said:

While I'd prefer a closed relationship, I understand that, with a lot of us, we deal with long-distance relationships.

And we get... urges, and just. I would understand basically.

I'll be hella pissed off but.. I won't break it off. (Just tell me EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG)

I was in a LDR, and the distance changed literally nothing about my urges.
If it does, your hand game ain't good enough.

On the general topic of sex and relationships: One of the things I do not understand, from my own perspective, is indulging in people who do not fulfill you romantically and sexually, necessitating a need for outside partners.
This, to me, is a waste of time. Why not just go for something that does satisfy you? Or the closest you're going to get to that?
"Save your money, and invest in a better product" and whatnot.
I really don't get this with people. Why casual dating and casual flings are even something worthy of wasting time on.

[Falaffel]

I've separated love from sex in my life. I can be with someone whom I never have sex with and I'm fine with it (as long as they hug and kiss me, bastards). Alternatively, I can fuck the person I love and they could fuck other people. S'cool, as long as their love is with me and they come home to me the next night :v. 

Relationships are so much more than sex. I feel there may be an over reliance on that in many people's relationships. 

 

That said, i don't need an open relationship at all. I do like to still flirt, but I'll even cut that if my partner rathers. It's whatever. 

[FenrirDarkWolf]

21 minutes ago, Vae said:

I was in a LDR, and the distance changed literally nothing about my urges.
If it does, your hand game ain't good enough.

Hahahaha

But then again, I'm kinda slutty anyway, but I'm too awkward to do anything irl without being with someone I know and love

[Ricky]

32 minutes ago, Vae said:

One of the things I do not understand, from my own perspective, is indulging in people who do not fulfill you romantically and sexually, necessitating a need for outside partners.
This, to me, is a waste of time. Why not just go for something that does satisfy you? Or the closest you're going to get to that?

People are often lazy and take the shortest path to complacency. Alternatively, some people are so afraid of losing someone they marry the first person they find. I've seen on many occasions, some couple who has been together since High School or some shit , still clung together by mutual dependence.

32 minutes ago, Vae said:

"Save your money, and invest in a better product" and whatnot.

If you're always looking for the bigger better thing, you'll never appreciate what you have.

32 minutes ago, Vae said:

Why casual dating and casual flings are even something worthy of wasting time on.

You can't find the better product without shopping around a bit first ;3

[Wax]

It depends if the all of the persons in the relationship are happy with it being that way. I don't think there's one correct way of being in a relationship but it is true that being in an open relationship opens you up to a lot more problems than in a closed one. Either way, if people are happy and they aren't hurting anyone then why should I have a problem with their choices?

I personally would like to be in strictly closed relationships, however.

[Falaffel]

36 minutes ago, Vae said:

On the general topic of sex and relationships: One of the things I do not understand, from my own perspective, is indulging in people who do not fulfill you romantically and sexually, necessitating a need for outside partners.
This, to me, is a waste of time. Why not just go for something that does satisfy you? Or the closest you're going to get to that?
"Save your money, and invest in a better product" and whatnot.
I really don't get this with people. Why casual dating and casual flings are even something worthy of wasting time on.

I missed this because dumb. While I indirectly answered this for myself, I'll answer directly. 

For me, personally, porn and hand is good enough for me :v. Sex is a luxury I don't need, but still enjoy. If I truly love someone romantically (ignoring the fact that romantically actually includes sexuality), why would I not take them up just because I can't stick my dick in it? Asexuals get along just fine :v. 

There is so much more to a relationship than sex.

[Vae]

 

2 hours ago, Ricky said:

People are often lazy and take the shortest path to complacency. Alternatively, some people are so afraid of losing someone they marry the first person they find. I've seen on many occasions, some couple who has been together since High School or some shit , still clung together by mutual dependence.

If you're always looking for the bigger better thing, you'll never appreciate what you have.

You can't find the better product without shopping around a bit first ;3

Nah. It's like buying several inferior products and returning them to the store, before finally investing in something good.

I mean, whatever people wanna spend their time doing, I guess. I'd just rather be patient, inspect, and research something before I throw down money (or any kind of time or attachment, outside the metaphor).

2 hours ago, Falaffel said:

I missed this because dumb. While I indirectly answered this for myself, I'll answer directly. 

For me, personally, porn and hand is good enough for me :v. Sex is a luxury I don't need, but still enjoy. If I truly love someone romantically (ignoring the fact that romantically actually includes sexuality), why would I not take them up just because I can't stick my dick in it? Asexuals get along just fine :v. 

There is so much more to a relationship than sex.

I don't know if you're agreeing with me or disagreeing with me, but it's pretty in-line with what I said anyway.

Unless you're saying that you'd shack up with someone asexual who couldn't fulfill you, because you loved them romantically.
But, if those urges are so bad that it necessitates an outside partner, I still see that as kind of a waste of time.
May as well wait for someone who can satiate both sides of the coin, imo. But I also like to streamline a lot of things for efficiency, so take that as you will.

[Ricky]

2 minutes ago, Vae said:

 

Nah. It's like buying several inferior products and returning them to the store, before finally investing in something good.

I mean, whatever people wanna spend their time doing, I guess. I'd just rather be patient, inspect, and research something before I throw down money (or any kind of time or attachment, outside the metaphor).

Right, but "casual dating and flings" help you find a lot about someone, in those respects.

Also, it would be pretty hard to figure out what it even is that you want, without a little trial and error.

[Falaffel]

58 minutes ago, Vae said:

I don't know if you're agreeing with me or disagreeing with me, but it's pretty in-line with what I said anyway.

Unless you're saying that you'd shack up with someone asexual who couldn't fulfill you, because you loved them romantically.
But, if those urges are so bad that it necessitates an outside partner, I still see that as kind of a waste of time.
May as well wait for someone who can satiate both sides of the coin, imo. But I also like to streamline a lot of things for efficiency, so take that as you will.

I don't think my urges are that powerful. Therefore, I, personally, could do it.

So I guess I'm not really disagreeing with you? Technically?  

[Xaende]

Closed. The idea of open relationships can be hot, so I understand their popularity, but I'd rather keep it in the fantasy realm. I'm cool with her having imaginary crushes and erotic/romantic fantasies. I have a few of my own, so that's something we would have in common. Sharing what turns you on, finding common ground, and using that info to make each other happy, is an awesome thing. It just shouldn't require an actual open relationship as far as I'm concerned.

[Ricky]

5 minutes ago, Xaende said:

Closed. The idea of open relationships can be hot, so I understand their popularity, but I'd rather keep it in the fantasy realm. I'm cool with her having imaginary crushes and erotic/romantic fantasies. I have a few of my own, so that's something we would have in common. Sharing what turns you on, finding common ground, and using that info to make each other happy, is an awesome thing. It just shouldn't require an actual open relationship as far as I'm concerned.

If you think they will always be imaginary, you are in denial. If two people are together long enough one, of them will develop feelings for another person. I think it's better to be honest than to lie because you are afraid. Most people would rather lie to their partner, which isn't surprising since the overwhelming majority of people tell others what they want to hear. I mean, it shows that you care I guess, but it's never the more productive option, and makes me wonder if people were just more open and honest with one another about their feelings if open relationships wouldn't simply become the norm ... >.>

[Xaende]

4 minutes ago, Ricky said:

If you think they will always be imaginary, you are in denial. If two people are together long enough one, of them will develop feelings for another person. I think it's better to be honest than to lie because you are afraid. Most people would rather lie to their partner, which isn't surprising since the overwhelming majority of people tell others what they want to hear. I mean, it shows that you care I guess, but it's never the more productive option, and makes me wonder if people were just more open and honest with one another about their feelings if open relationships wouldn't simply become the norm ... >.>

I have to chuckle at the assertion that I'm in denial if I think they will always be imaginary. Don't forget, you're talking to a furry!

But seriously, all it takes is one imaginative partner to make my little crushes "real". Human or otherwise. I'm just picky about who I have relationships with.

[Red Lion]

Open. Sex isn't really a big deal for me, I'm not even very romantic and I'm more likely to want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is my best friend, the matter of sex and exclusivity is something I would consider a secondary matter.

That said I haven't really felt any desire to pursue anyone else since I settled down with my current partner. Gator and I have been each other's closest friends and companions for over ten years and even so the option is there I haven't taken it.

 

[Gator]

i have no desire for a closed relationship.  been there, done that, nothing but insecurity and repression because everything is now "cheating" instead of just acting naturally.  "look but don't touch" seems pointless to me (if i already want it, taking it or not isn't gonna change anything), and "don't look OR touch" is just not gonna work because i have more than one interest.  i also don't feel like people were designed to be that way, but that's a whole other matter.  i'll just say it's not my thing.

i personally prefer an open (or semi-open) relationship, like what i currently have.  we know where our feelings lie at the end of the day and are able to trust and communicate with one another.  respect your partners' preferences and boundaries, discuss your own, and lay out your expectations; you're good to go. 

[Ricky]

3 minutes ago, Xaende said:

I have to chuckle at the assertion that I'm in denial if I think they will always be imaginary. Don't forget, you're talking to a furry!

But seriously, all it takes is one imaginative partner to make my little crushes "real". Human or otherwise. I'm just picky about who I have relationships with.

Furries generally have real life relationships after a lengthy trail of escapist fantasies with fictional characters and online "mates" they were never actually intending to meet :V

I'm picky too and if I wasn't, my blatant disregard for safety and acquired taste for risky sex would have gotten me in trouble by now...

That's the only downside I see to having an open relationship, especially if you're not careful about sex and/or who it's with.

[ChaosCalix]

Open. I've done closed, monogamous relationships and they don't work for me.
The short version? I find it's less stressful for everyone involved.

 

Long version? I prefer being with one person mainly, but not limiting myself, nor imposing such limitations on them. This was the very first thing established in my current relationship.

As opposed to a closed relationship, I don't have to worry about what I say, do, or feel towards other people, and I don't need to stress over how my partner behaves with others either. So long as they keep themselves clean, I don't really mind. Or care, for that matter. Being happy is the most important part, and if that involves occasionally being with other people, for one night or even regularly, then so be it.

[#00Buck]

Closed but it is a screen door with no latch so a stiff wind could blow it open at any time. 

Being old and unattractive means that when it does blow open nobody is standing on the other side.

[FenrirDarkWolf]

52 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

Being old and unattractive means that when it does blow open nobody is standing on the other side.

I doubt you're that unattractive.

[Naxams]

Seeing as I've never had a relationship my entire life I'm open, but then again I'm 14 so who gives a shit. Not me. (Also I'm pretty darn ugly)

[Another Ampers&]

My partners and I are really comfortably polyamorous (which I guess is like taking an open relationship to the next level)

I have 2 girlfriends, and a possible boyfriend on the way, still working things out on that front~

All my partners know about eachother. Fidelity and honesty is still super important, right. Both of my partners have spoken to eachother, and we're all clear about like, what the nature of all the relationships is

It's not an issue of like, "my main partner isn't satisfying me I need another", it's just that I have a lot of love to give

My heart is an overflowing beacon of light and to limit only one person to drink from it would be a disservice to the whole of the human race :3c

[FenrirDarkWolf]

tl;dr

if you're happy, it's not my place to judge. you do you

[Sourdough]

I'm open to openness. I'm dealing with a lot of feelings right now on the subject and I'm okay with it. If it feels good and you can't give yourself a good reason not to, go for it.

2 hours ago, Another Ampers& said:

My heart is an overflowing beacon of light and to limit only one person to drink from it would be a disservice to the whole of the human race :3c

Adorable :3

[Zaraphayx]

I consider relationships and sex to be something with a necessary overlap but minimal mutual exclusivity.

I have sex with people I like because I enjoy their company and sex is one of the most carnally pleasurable experiences humans can have. I dislike the idea of holding someone's sexuality hostage under threat of discontinued association or implied animosity. I am sympathetic to people who desire pair-bonding and I would even say that I can relate to the desire to an extent.

People talk about having trust issues with non-monogamous partners, but I can't imagine anything that would make me feel more suspicious of someone than holding them to a constant threat of disassociation should they "betray" me by failing to stifle their wishes. I want to be able to have discussions about sexual topics, be flirtatious, and even display overt sexual interest in someone else without bubbling up feelings of jealousy in an intimate partner, it always seemed implicitly true to me that if I consider us "in a relationship" that I value your intimate company over other people regardless of my sexual indulgences.

I speak has someone who has always been up front about non-commitment to sexual exclusivity while being functionally sexually exclusive for 70% of my adult life though, so there it is.

Edit: I don't think I could handle multiple "[gender]friends" or anything like that though. I have enough problems with managing the emotional baggage most people bring with them into relationships without expanding upon the problem with additional variables.

[Luka]

I'm asexual, so if my partner wants to go shag something else in my place to satisfy their urges, I'd be happier for it.

As long as they don't go fathering any bastards :v

Then I'd break it off.