TrishaCat Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I don't know how to do it. I hate it. For context, a while back I added some dude onto my Steam who I met on 4chan that asked me to add him. I was wary, but I figured "Why the hell not, its not like I can't just remove him if he's a weirdo". And it turns out he's a super obsessive weirdo who pushes people away intentionally and then whines about his mistakes after the fact. And by my being nice to him, he's latched onto me in the sense where he likes talking to me for hours about nothing in particular, talking about his problems repeating the same old things over and over while obsessing over people he's pushed away and making up random stories that he thinks are cool that have no actual bearing in real life. Like for instance, he spent an hour and a half talking to me in detail about how he imagined up a porn parody of Metal Gear, despite the fact that right before he started talking about it I told him I wasn't interested in hearing about it. Then finally, after the fact I finally told him to stop that I wasn't interested, and then he made some disappointed passive agressive remark, said "I hope next time we talk its something that interests you" and then went offline. The dude is almost 10 years older than me, but he's extremely immature and seems overly reliant on me. But I can't get rid of him in part because of this. I don't know how to tell people to go away and leave me alone. I can't bring myself to block people who aren't just trolls, bots, or scammers. I'd feel bad about it, and I can't bring myself to just tell him to go away either. I don't know how to tell people off or get rid of him. So I just sit for hours and hours with him sending me chat messages wasting my time and keeping me from doing things I actually enjoy. I don't mind talking to people. I like talking to people if its someone I genuinely enjoy the company of. But this guy is weird. I'm not interested in talking about porn. I'm not interested in hearing about his crazy ideas that will never be. I'm not interested in hearing him whine about how he screwed up his past relationships with people and now feels bad about it, especially when he's the one who personally cut ties with these people. But I don't know how to tell him to go away. I can't bring myself to block him. So I have to listen to this immature overdramatic sob story that he himself caused over and over, always the same stuff, with always the same replies from me. And he often tells me that he's glad I'm there to talk to him. That I'm here for him. He says that I'm the only person he has to talk to. His life is honestly pretty terrible. I can't bring myself to block him or do anything that might hurt him. I don't like making people upset, so I've just been stuck in this endless cycle for almost a month now. He even gave me a free game he got in a Humble Bundle as thanks for being so kind to him, so I feel obligated to him in a way. But I don't like him and find him creepy. Its frustrating. Edited December 13, 2015 by Battlechili Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PastryOfApathy Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I've had people like that before (also from 4chan funnily enough, maybe it's a pattern). In my experience the best way to deal with this kinda stuff is to ween them off of you since they see you more as an 'emotional punching bag' than a person so really you're interchangeable with literally anybody else. A good way to do this is to take longer and longer to reply, and slowly ignore messages more and more giving them the opportunity to kind of figure it out for themselves. Eventually if he doesn't get it by then just delete and ignore him. You may feel bad at first but he'll bounce back and latch onto someone else like the self-pitying emotional parasite he is. Remember, there's a reason why these people are always fucking miserable and it's not you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlynnCoyote Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 You are not responsible for him. Trying to be so will only be a burden on you that you are not at all obligated to bear. Take Pastry's advice. This person is a psychic vampire as satanism describes it, he will only feel an attachment to you for his own benefit. Try talking about yourself and you'll see, he will always turn the conversation back to him. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I add and remove people randomly all the time OP and face no negative repercussions. Then again over 90% of the people I add anywhere I add just to annoy. Which reminds me that I needed to unclutter skype. And you know, giving people presents after you've been shitty is an old way of baiting someone into sticking around. Very common in abusive relationships. So uh, do what you want. You know what would be crazy? You're the closest thing he has to a friend right now and after blocking him he just kills himself. Edited December 13, 2015 by Brass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrishaCat Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 9 minutes ago, Brass said: You know what what be crazy? You're the closest thing he has to a friend right now and after blocking him he just kills himself. This is one of the reasons why I haven't blocked/unfriended/told him to go away in all honesty. I'm afraid he might wind up emotionally more broken than he already is, and I don't want to be responsible for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vae Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I've been on both sides of this fence, and speaking FROM this person's kind of perspective, my best advice would just be being direct with him. "You're being fucking creepy, and you're being annoying. You need to stop [x behaviors] if you want this friendship to work, or I'll have to cut you off. That's just the point that I'm at right now. I'm sorry. It's exhausting." If he keeps it up, probably best just to cut your losses. But at least you can say an attempt was made, and a chance given. After that, it's up to him to decide whether or not to take it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azu Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I have been in a situation like this a few times, and it's pretty delicate. Although, the outcome was that we inevitably drifted apart. The best advice I can give is to be completely blunt with him towards how you feel. You need to let him know that you need space, and that you can't afford to chat endlessly about topics that quite frankly don't even interest you. He needs to be able to find other friends, so try and recommend he pop into chatrooms, join forums or whatever. Just anything to encourage him to socialize with others so you he can possibly latch onto someone else. If this doesn't work, your best bet may be to silently block and delete him while he's offline. However, that should only be a last resort. At the same time though, this is your life and you shouldn't allow others to affect it in such a manner. Edited December 13, 2015 by Azurex 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PastryOfApathy Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 18 minutes ago, Battlechili said: This is one of the reasons why I haven't blocked/unfriended/told him to go away in all honesty. I'm afraid he might wind up emotionally more broken than he already is, and I don't want to be responsible for that. Believe me, he's already broken beyond repair. The kinds of people who spend their lives lurking on imageboards wallowing in their own self-pity are the kinds of people who are literally incapable of being happy, simply because they don't want to be. No matter what advice you give, no matter how long you humor him, he will always be miserable because hes resigned himself to it and the only person who can get him out his himself. If you've ever been unfortunate enough to stumble into a place like Wizardchan or to a lesser extent /r9k/ you'd know exactly how fucked these peoples thinking truly are. As I've said before, they're pathetic parasites looking for people to drag down with them while bitching about normies and Chad Thundercock for stealing his "girlfriend" who let's be honest, probably wasn't even in to him in the first place. The quicker you shove a lit cigar into him, they quicker the leech will stop bothering you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) 6 minutes ago, PastryOfApathy said: As I've said before, they're pathetic parasites looking for people to drag down with them while bitching about normies and Chad Thundercock for stealing his "girlfriend" who let's be honest, probably wasn't even into him in the first place. This is one of the main fucking reason why I can't stand to be on normiebook. And what's wrong with bitching about normies? Edited December 13, 2015 by Brass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrecker Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Pastry nailed it in their first post. Take longer and longer to reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clove Darkwave Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) The ability to cut people out of your life is a required life skill OP. Going to echo just simply being distant if you don't want to be so direct. Edited December 13, 2015 by Clove Darkwave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conker Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 6 hours ago, Battlechili said: This is one of the reasons why I haven't blocked/unfriended/told him to go away in all honesty. I'm afraid he might wind up emotionally more broken than he already is, and I don't want to be responsible for that. It won't be your fault. He's a toxin in your life, and you should be rid of him. What he does beyond that is on him and him alone. Seriously. Your time is valuable, so blowing an hour and a half on a shitty porn conversation should piss you off a lot. Get rid of this dumbass and be happier for it. Or I dunno, fake your own death or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissFleece Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Block him on every platform he speaks to you on. His life isn't your problem. What he does after you do that isn't your problem. Getting a toxic person out of your life? That's your problem. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vallium Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) That is kind of sad,and the guilt trip of someone commiting suicide over a loss is extremely harmful, and it definitely is a guilt trip, theyve placed that unspoken message on you "I need you because Im unstable and if you leave it'll hurt me and I'll die" it forces you to stay... I suggest an ultimatum, be courteous and friendly and send one long final message to them about how you feel about them and how they should better act in the future before blocking them for good. its sad, but its really not your fault. Pastry's right, its only up to them to change... Oh, but do suggest he seek multiple people out too, or a group. Making a single person have to hear your life problems can be exhausting. Edited December 13, 2015 by WolfNightV4X1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zytan Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Been in a couple of friendships (and almost a relationship) with people like that, I think the main reason I got over shunning them was the fact that at the end of the day they're just being purely selfish. They demand your attention throughout the day, they complain about problems and expect you to perk them up and nothing good comes of it on your end except perhaps five minutes of normality until the next thing crops up. Going to someone who's depressed with your own issues is hardly going to give an objective/valid advisory response so you can't even use them to sympathise with you. tl;dr: Friendship's a two way thing, online or not; attention whores just don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AyGee Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Jeebus... I've experienced this kind of crap. It's the plight of us few who know how to exercise common courtesy; these kinds of people mistake it for some kind of wholehearted compassion. I've had it happen to me before where I hung out with some friends in preference to said parasite, and they got upset at me in the same way a girlfriend might get upset over her boyfriend cheating on her. Pastry knows what they're talking about; ween them off your presence, take longer to reply, and if all else fails ignore/block them. At the very most, I'd expect a 'break-up' note from them (Yah, these people write break-up notes to friends. Made doubly creepy in my case because the person in question was a gay man who I'm certain wanted me to be his straight boyfriend). You can't be responsible for them, especially if they're your age or older. Also echoing Zytan: friendship is a give and take thing, and people who always take should not be considered friends. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerig Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I also had a situation like this with some fag from 4chan. It must be a pattern. between the constant bullshit he'd talk about, he'd beg me for dick pics and shit, or just send me links to dumb pictures with no other message attached. I just stopped responding like Pastry said, he got all bitchy one day so I told him to fuck off and blocked him. Even if you're hesitant, just do it. Its such a relief after. Edited December 13, 2015 by Zerig 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 OP you could always have a total shift in personality or do something that THEY don't like, so THEY won't want to talk to you any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrishaCat Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) In the end I wound up just posting two long comments explaining why I can't be friends with him and then unfriended/blocked him. I couldn't bear another conversation. But at least this way he'll know why and have some closure. In all honesty if it weren't for the responses here I probably never would have done anything. So thank you guys. There's a great bit of relief now knowing I won't have to deal with that anymore. As sad as it is though, I don't think I'll be so willing to just add people I meet online randomly to chat and stuff. I've met some cool people online this way, but this whole thing ruined it. Edited December 14, 2015 by Battlechili 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PastryOfApathy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 35 minutes ago, Battlechili said: In the end I wound up just posting two long comments explaining why I can't be friends with him and then unfriended/blocked him. I couldn't bear another conversation. But at least this way he'll know why and have some closure. In all honesty if it weren't for the responses here I probably never would have done anything. So thank you guys. There's a great bit of relief now knowing I won't have to deal with that anymore. As sad as it is though, I don't think I'll be so willing to just add people I meet online randomly to chat and stuff. I've met some cool people online this way, but this whole thing ruined it. Don't be. For every 5 cool people there's going to be a miserable subhuman, don't let them get the better of you. Just learn to recognize them and deal with them accordingly. Also avoid friending people on 4chan unless you're willing to risk it. As said before that's where they tend to lurk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidewalk Surfboard Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 This thread is making me feel really horrible about myself, to be honest, because I've been in this situation before. I was the one who would latch onto others and wouldn't wanna let go. It's fucking awful, it really really is. I'm a terrible person for being like that. Honestly it sounds like they could have some form of borderline personality disorder. When I was like that, I read up the symptoms of BPD and it matched to a lot of what I was doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PastryOfApathy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 9 minutes ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said: This thread is making me feel really horrible about myself, to be honest, because I've been in this situation before. I was the one who would latch onto others and wouldn't wanna let go. It's fucking awful, it really really is. I'm a terrible person for being like that. Honestly it sounds like they could have some form of borderline personality disorder. When I was like that, I read up the symptoms of BPD and it matched to a lot of what I was doing. A lot of us have been in that scenario, myself included, I mean how else do you think I know how to deal with it like I do? So long as you recognize it and avoid falling into it there's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone's done regretful, embarrassing things and dwelling on them helps no one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clove Darkwave Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Oh pff, Personality Disorders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onnes Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 12 minutes ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said: This thread is making me feel really horrible about myself, to be honest, because I've been in this situation before. I was the one who would latch onto others and wouldn't wanna let go. It's fucking awful, it really really is. I'm a terrible person for being like that. Honestly it sounds like they could have some form of borderline personality disorder. When I was like that, I read up the symptoms of BPD and it matched to a lot of what I was doing. It's also a common symptom of being a teenager. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evan Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Yeah, honestly you were in the right for initiative. Stuff like that drags out. it may seem like it's over, but then they come right back. You have to, if you feel you can't provide any help or useful input, find a way to remove yourself. It may not put them in a good place but it's necessary. I had a person like this a few years ago. Would say hi constantly, complain when i wasn't around for more than two-three days or say he was crying because i'd be gone for a week, and then conversation would literally just be three lines of snuggles and nothing else. trying to talk to him about anything substantial was hopeless and it really turned me off to the kind of people i thought i wanted to be around. don't guilt yourself for wanting to be around someone you feel you can actually relate to and not feel burdened by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terminal7 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Reminds me of a certain Kik group chat, where I'd get distress messages at 3 in the morning about: On 12/13/2015 at 3:07 AM, Battlechili said: And he often tells me that he's glad I'm there to talk to him. That I'm here for him. He says that I'm the only person he has to talk to. His life is honestly pretty terrible. Honestly, I could not hold ties for that long. I just had to cut him off (without notice) and there's a very high chance that he forgot about it. I can only pray that he's doing better. I can't do anything for him. What it did do, is piss off many of the members in the chat - so much to the point it eventually disbanded (That and an excessive amount of yiff that I just had to "shrug off".) We understood that their situation is bad, but we weren't going to be spoon-fed negativity for the next few months. I know I'm a tad bit late, but I guess this is good for the next few people that roll along this forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troj Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) On 12/13/2015 at 4:36 AM, Battlechili said: This is one of the reasons why I haven't blocked/unfriended/told him to go away in all honesty. I'm afraid he might wind up emotionally more broken than he already is, and I don't want to be responsible for that. I've been there myself before, so I totally get that. When someone has already experienced rejection and disappointment, you don't want to add to it. But, I agree with others who've said that this dude sounds like a psychic vampire, and it's not your responsibility to try to save or befriend him. In fact, by continuing to let this guy "do his thing," you're telling him the behavior is OK, which actually does him a disservice. Often, the kindest (but also hardest) thing you can do in these cases is to let the person know how their behavior comes across, and then see how they process that feedback. If they flip out, that tells you that the relationship is potentially not worth the headache. If they apply your feedback non-defensively, that tells you there *may* be a ray of hope. Edited December 18, 2015 by Troj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuttButt Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) I've been in several relationships just like this one OP. This thread is actually kind of eerie. I feel like I'm a magnet for these "psychic vampire" types. It's never easy, and they'll always make you feel guilty for not wanting to be friends. I always tried to stick around because I thought it would help to be their "one friend" that doesn't leave them like all the others have, but nothing ever changes, nothing ever gets better. I wish I could tell you there's an easy way to get this person off your back, but there really isn't. Pastry's strat is probably the best bet if you don't want to just block them and be done with it, but honestly...I kind of wish I had just blocked my emotional vampires at the first sign of trouble. It would have saved me endless grief. Edited December 19, 2015 by MuttButt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luka Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) Having too much sympathy or empathy can be a curse. I struggle with it myself, and I kind of sense the same thing in you. You're careful about not hurting other's feelings even if it's emotionally draining for you. In your place I don't think I'd ever really be able to break things off with such a person either, and if I somehow managed it, I'm sure it'd bother me for a long time afterwards. This is a really crappy situation. Edited December 19, 2015 by Luka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShioBear Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 used to be like you. now i just tell people to piss off directly. i just tell them the truth, that they annoy me and i dont like them. then they go away. make it quick like ripping off a band-aid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vallium Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 If I ever talk to people its not always to vent...people who only ever or mostly come to others to vent are pretty awful. At least I try to keep an upbeat and persevering outlook and I have a cut of self-confidence and hope...I believe I do, I think I get along with that. That, and if we manage to conversate about dumb, goofy or fun things along the way well...point is, sometimes I vent to friends. I guess that's okay, because their nice enough to ask "Hey, if you need anything Im here for you" "Hey, how you feeling?", and I guess its in my part to be responsible and collected enough not to drown myself and them in misery, and to attempt changes or fixes in my life and actually listen to the advice people may say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kinare Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I guess since this got bumped it's safe for me to post my thoughts. Didn't want to bump it just for this when I saw it, though, since some people said similar already~ I used to be one of those leech types to a similar extreme, though not quite as bad. I didn't understand what I was doing, I was just looking for relief anywhere I could get it, other than resorting to drugs or booze or sleeping around. It took losing a very good person to show me what I was doing, and even after that it took a lot of self awareness and looking at reasons why it got fucked up for me to see what I did. I hope your person truly knows what he did wrong and makes an effort to improve. I really wish my friend had told me what I was doing to alienate him (without explosive angries or that would have made it worse) before trying to wriggle free so I could have considered it sooner, maybe not have lost him when my behavior wasn't tolerated and I learned not to act like that. It wasn't that I didn't value him, I just took certain parts of our friendship for granted and acted like shit about it sometimes and he tolerated it, which just enabled me acting like a shithead. In hindsight there were subtle hints that a normal person should have been able to pick up on, but social skillz are not my thing and I had basically no skillz back then, so I picked up on nothing. As for "broken beyond repair"? No, not at all. I've gotten better at a lot of the things I struggled with then and anyone else can too. I'm not saying it's easy and it's certainly not your responsibility as a friend to fix someone like that, they might very well need professional help. Ideally he gets lucky and can find someone who is willing to set him straight while still caring about him so that he can learn the proper skills, but not everyone can handle that and if you can't then you shouldn't let him force you into friendship. (I know OP has already cut ties, I'm just speaking for future friendships or those who might be going through it now.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Half-Note Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 It can be pretty hard to tell people that they are too much around. Everyone needs their space, right? And people don't always understand that. Now let's turn this into a roleplay! You can... ...Block him and make sure you'll never hear from him again, though keep in mind you did met him on 4Chan, so this does carry the potential risk of him tracking down your computer location and ringing your doorbell with a fireaxe in his hands. ...Continue going through the agony of listening to him ranting, allowing your brain to slowly implode over the course of a few months, which will result in you either becoming more like him, or descending into madness. ...Give him "the talk". Explain to him that by hanging onto you, he's pushing you away, and that while you enjoy playing with him (which I imagine is a lie in this case), you want some time to yourself and other friends too. That though you have nothing against him or the way he acts (another blatant lie), you do need to be a loner every now and then. Maybe you could even divert his attention to some of the friends you hate by introducing them to each other? Those are your realistic options. There are many more, but I suggest you confine yourself to those three. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGreatFanatic Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) Tell me who he is. Edited December 22, 2015 by TheGreatFanatic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troj Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) AND, when you bite the bullet and just yank off that band-aid without looking back, you'll typically feel loads better, and you may wonder why you didn't get the job over with before! I discovered this after unfriending a couple of annoying acquaintances on FB. Not having to see their banal, idiotic, and/or bigoted crap in my feed was such a relief! I don't miss them, and I doubt they even noticed my departure. Edited December 23, 2015 by Troj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeke Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Tell them to fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toshabi Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Sounds like the majority personality of most 4chan members, if not all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zop Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Direct him to the phoenix forums. What could go wrong! Edited December 24, 2015 by Zop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexInsane Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Just put on a Canadian accent and say "Go away, eh. Ya hoser. Go and shag a moose." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vallium Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 9 hours ago, Zop said: Direct him to the phoenix forums. What could go wrong! That's a fantastic idea imagine all the furry drama from their posts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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