Should sex be expected in a relationship?

[Crazy Lee]

So, I noticed a certain ace who will be unnamed got in a situation (I don't know many of the details) where I guess they wasn't putting out enough for their SO, and it led to conflict. Shitty situation and the other person should have known this when they decided to date an ace. But more importantly, I noticed that a lot of the comments to this were "Well, sex should not be expected in a relationship." or "Sex should be just a bonus, not a major part of the relationship." Noble-sounding shit like that. By self-described "romantics" I'm sure, trying to act snooty and enlightened.

Okay, then. There are many types of relationships. There may very well be relationships that are based on the sexual side, or a sex-only relationship. Like BDSM relationships, swingers, open relationships, pets, things like that. There is nothing wrong with a sex only relationship if that's what the partners want.

And I'm really really getting tired of people who act all hoity-toity about relationships. "Oh, relationships should be about love and romance blah blah." Yea, shut up. Romance is important in a relationship, of course (unless it's a sex only relationship like above). And friendship. But, I'm a sexual person. Most of the people here are sexual people. Some of you won't shut up about sex. :V I think most of us would expect sex in a relationship.

And it makes sense. Sex is in relationships because relationships, from the beginning, came about to procreate the species. Doesn't mean a relationship HAS to lead to making babies, like gay or infertile couples. It's just, the reason why we're attracted to each other is to boink and spread our DNA. That's why it evolved.

That's why I get pissed when people act like it should only be about romance and love and it shouldn't matter if you're not sexually attracted to the other. Yea, okay, stop being noble. Half the reason I'm attracted to others is because my biology is telling me to spread my seed. I can't do shit about that. It's my fucking instincts. So I'd hope that if I'm in a relationship that yea, I'd be sexually attracted to the other, and we'd fuck.

That being said, if you're in a relationship, and it's romance only, and you don't screw or barely screw, good for you, if that's what you both want. If an ace and a non-ace, or two aces, or something like that gets together and there's no sex and both are FINE with it, then it's great. In a relationship, it's up to both of you to figure out and talk about what you want out of that relationship.

As for the ace I mentioned? It sounds like their partner didn't bother to figure out what they would be able to get out of the relationship. Maybe they expected they could encourage (or force) the ace to have sex, and it didn't work. That was entirely the fault of the partner for not communicating with the ace or expecting too much out of the ace. If they would have talked to the ace and asked about sex, and the ace said no, then perhaps they need to find a new relationship.

Tagging @Vaer because he's our token ace.

[Endless/Nameless]

tl;dr

yes at some point you should fuck

[Sourdough]

Depends on the relationship! I'm pretty flexible in my sexuality, so I'm good with all of the sex or none of it. I wouldn't pass up a chance to have a relationship with an asexual person I really liked. You have to ask yourself what you really want out of a relationship. Every relationship has the potential to be very different, so give it some serious thought. What do you want? What do they want? Are both of these things compatible? For me I need some kind of physical intimacy, all about them cuddles yo. Doesn't have to be sexual to be what I want.

Then again I'm a loaf of bread so what do I know.

[Enigma]

Sounds like they didn't know each other enough before starting a relationship. But that's a bit unfair to say too, people change when they start a relationship. 

It's important to know each other's needs and try to accommodate them, if you can. If you cannot, communication is key and if things can't work out, don't force the relationship. 

[Crazy Lee]

3 minutes ago, Sourdough said:

Then again I'm a loaf of bread so what do I know.

Are you okay with a relationship that involves slicing you up and eating you?

 

[Sourdough]

Just now, Crazy Lee said:

Are you okay with a relationship that involves slicing you up and eating you?

 

Not on the first date anyway, I have a bit of class about me.

[Vae]

People really need to communicate better and define their wants, needs, and terms before getting into a commitment in general. That's the biggest issue.

I'm borderline ace. I'm lucky if I want sex a handful of times in a year.
And no, I'll be damned if I'm letting someone guilt-trip me beyond that, if I don't want it, because goodbye and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sex is important in some relationships.
Sex is not important in other relationships.
Hell, children or no children are a factor in some relationships. (Personally, I don't want anything to do with them, ever.)
Or hell, religious values.

Communication and honesty should be expected in a relationship.
Both with other people and one's self.
And if you can't do that, you shouldn't be getting into them.

[#00Buck]

Quote

Should sex be expected in a relationship?

Yes.

If it's unexpected that would probably be sexual assault. 

[Astus]

It always depends on the kind of relationship, most of the time yes it can be expected, but that doesn't mean it's the only thing that should matter in a relationship; a true relationship is sharing your life with another person in the purest form, and sex is just one part of your life

[Gator]

sex is basically what differentiates a "romantic relationship" from a "platonic friendship".  if not the act itself, then the instinctive desire for it, and for it to lead to children.  romance is all one big courtship ritual developed for the sake of making babies.  regardless of varying hormonal issues and psychiatric whatnot, anyone interested in a relationship that goes beyond "just being friends" has some level of sexuality.  how it manifests physically will vary; even among openly sexual people, not everyone is gonna like or want the same things the same way.  that's why communication is important for all relationships, though that should really go without saying since communication is a key element of literally any kind of human interaction whatsoever, sexual or otherwise. 

as far as whether sex should be expected... yes and no.  "yes" because in one way or another, that's pretty much what romantic and/or sexual relationships mean, and what most people are in it for.  if your partner wants sex, that should not surprise you unless they've previously stated that they never would.  "no" in the sense that, again, sexual desire will be different for most everyone, and if your partner indicates that they have little or no desire to actually have sex, then you have no reason to expect that they will just up and change their minds because you want it.  if you don't want a sexless relationship, don't embark on romantic endeavors with people who have stated they aren't interested in having sex... unless they're willing to make it an open relationship and let you get your fix on the side.

and people who go around preaching that sex shouldn't be an important factor in relationships can go jump off a cliff, in my scientific opinion.

[Enigma]

36 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

Yes.

If it's unexpected that would probably be sexual assault. 

[DrGravitas]

Y'all should feel lucky to have any relationship at all.

[Vallium]

Eh, its secondary IMO

Although sex is kind of important if you have a high sex drive, so if there's a difference in drive  hopefully there is some compromise or the non-participating partner is willing to leave the sexual aspect of the relationship open.

 

But overall, a relationship neednt involve sex, but is nice when it does and partners sync in that 

[Feelwell]

Uhmm, honestly, don't think it should ever be expected.

It's something that should be done if both parties want to. Relationships aren't about sex, shouldn't ever be just for sex. 

At the risk of all of your dirty minds, it should be the icing on the cake.

 

[Strongbob]

I haven't been in a relationship or had sex in several years purely out of choice.   It was very difficult for a while but now I wonder why it was such an important thing.  How much of our lives is spent trying to satisfy a simple biological urge?  Is it worth it?  I don't claim to know the answer, but I do understand the question, and it frightens me.  

[willow]

short answer, no.

for some that's a defining factor sure, but no one should ever automatically expect it's going to happen when they enter into a romantic relationship with someone. it's something both partners should discuss before getting into a relationship with someone in the first place or even before getting to that point of intimacy

 

[Xaende]

Sex is important to me, but it isn't something I'd demand. It's just one facet of compatibility. Kind of a big deal, but not the sort of thing that should be demanded. If it gets to that point, then something else is wrong with the relationship. Although I wouldn't knowingly date someone who is ace, I'd be willing to wait for somebody who is more compatible and wouldn't cheat if she lost her libido for some reason.

I think sex-centered relationships can work too, as long as everyone's on the same page.

As others have said, communication is key.

[Tsuujou]

I'm of the camp that you're going to be with someone who suits your most important relationship goals. If no sex is a deal breaker, why on Earth would you be with someone not sexually open? And vice versa. If you're not trying to be with someone that's sexually driven, you would do wise to really find someone who shares your more reserved mindset. I seriously don't think it's any more difficult than that. 

You shouldn't be just jumping into relationships without having a fairly comprehensive understanding of the person, their needs, and their intentions as well as knowing what you yourself value the most from a partner. I figured that was common sense. 

And I too get annoyed at super sex negative folk that feel the need to get on some asexual high horse about what other people do under the sheets. Like...shut up. No one cares, dork. lol

[Guest]

"Should sex be expected in a relationship?"

Yes; if both people are sexual and are sexually attracted to one another, and if sex is a valuable tool for bonding, Sex should be a valuable and important expectation in the same way support, respect, and love is. 

And no; if one or both people are asexual and are not sexually attracted to one another, and sex is NOT a valuable tool for bonding for one or more people. Sex in that instant is forced, therefore nonconsensual and therefore wrong.

TL;DR, like most things, it is a gray area. Expectations of the relationship should only be set by the people inside of the relationship, barring nonconsensual situations and actions and what is unsanctioned by the law. 

[Falaffel]

Yes and no. 

Depends on who it's with and who you are. 

If you need sex, expect it. Find a relationship to fulfill that. 

If you don't need it, you don't need to expect it. 

If you don't want sex, or can't give it, it's fine to expect no sex in the relationship. Again, find a relationship to fulfill that. 

[Zaraphayx]

A relationship is whatever is agreed upon by the two parties in it and no one else, I don't know what exactly OP is expecting to get from this thread.

If we all agree that sex is a mandatory part of a relationship is it time to start rounding up the asexual couples and forcing them to engage in coitus with witnesses appointed by the church or something? :^)

[MuttButt]

1 hour ago, Zaraphayx said:

If we all agree that sex is a mandatory part of a relationship is it time to start rounding up the asexual couples and forcing them to engage in coitus with witnesses appointed by the church or something? :^)

[Jtrekkie]

Well, intimacy tends to evolve. Unless you are stopping it, if you're building a relationship in a way that fosters intimacy, you're probably going to get sexual attraction even if it wasn't there to begin with. So in that sense, you can expect it.

To take sex for granted, on the other hand, is a different idea and, all prudery aside, possibly destructive.

[Vae]

3 minutes ago, Jtrekkie said:

Well, intimacy tends to evolve. Unless you are stopping it, if you're building a relationship in a way that fosters intimacy, you're probably going to get sexual attraction even if it wasn't there to begin with. So in that sense, you can expect it.

To take sex for granted, on the other hand, is a different idea and, all prudery aside, possibly destructive.

You can be intimate without being sexual, though.

Also not all people have a sex drive.

[Vaer]

Everything I wanted to say on the matter has pretty much been stated by everyone else so I'll just talk from experience.
 

As an ace, in a long-term relationship with a sexual, I can attest that when it comes to an 'ace x sexual' pairing it really does boil down to communication. If such endeavors are successful, and the ace is willing, then sex being an option should be discussed.

My partner and I made sure to talk out our intentions before getting into our relationship. I made it clear that sex is not something I'm interested in doing; he made it clear that he was interested in it. We discussed possible solutions and decided on a few that don't require much 'effort' on my part to make things work.

10 years strong and I can say that communication is ESSENTIAL.

Personally, I'm along the lines of sex being a bonus in a relationship and that in a romantic relationship it shouldn't be expected, rather, it should be compromised.

[Sourdough]

2 hours ago, Zaraphayx said:

A relationship is whatever is agreed upon by the two parties in it and no one else, I don't know what exactly OP is expecting to get from this thread.

If we all agree that sex is a mandatory part of a relationship is it time to start rounding up the asexual couples and forcing them to engage in coitus with witnesses appointed by the church or something? :^)

Forced to fornicate before the Lord by the Acefinder General, under the guidance of the Malleus Malefuckarum.

[Vallium]

3 hours ago, Vaer said:

[Prophetic speech]

The ace has spoken!

[Fossa]

13 hours ago, Astus said:

It always depends on the kind of relationship, most of the time yes it can be expected, but that doesn't mean it's the only thing that should matter in a relationship; a true relationship is sharing your life with another person in the purest form, and sex is just one part of your life

I look at it in a pretty similar way: Me and my mate are 'mostly monogamous', and it's been just like what you describe. But because I have certain odd kinks that he's not interested in, and we have been together long enough to trust each other, he's encouraged me to seek out somebody with which to share these. But I find, like you say, even in such a so-called 'playmate', I can't just have sex with a person: I may not have to be as close to them as my primary partner, or expect things to last as long, but, as you said, "...but that doesn't mean it's the only thing that should matter in a relationship; a true relationship is sharing your life with another person in the purest form, and sex is just one part of your life." So thus, a playmate is rare, because despite my being drawn to certain things, I can't just do them with anyone who happens by.

[Sarcastic Coffeecup]

If you both want to fuck, then by all means do so.

If you're not feeling like it, then just don't. If you want sex and they don't, ever, want sex, then it's kinda your bad for getting involved with someone who can't satisfy you. Bail out or adapt, it's up to you to figure out the continuation for the story, or the end of it. It really is that simple.

Me, I like sex. I also like to not have it at times. I waltzed into my relationship with basically no excpected sex as she said whe was pretty much ace, but something changed her mind and now I think she's even more into it than me 

Lucky win?

[Zeke]

I am going to say yes and no.

You or your partner shouldn't be obligated/pressured into having sex with each other until you both feel the moment is satisfactory. Sex can "enhance" the relationship, but it isn't a 100% mandatory thing. It just depends on you and your partner

If you both you and your parter are a sexually active hosebeast/clam eater, then have sex. Lots of it.

[Kinharia]

If you're dating an Ace you know what you're getting into and shouldn't expect sex from the relationship. I personally make it a point to state that if I am going to date someone so they know what they should and shouldn't expect as it isn't fair to expect sex from the person who is Ace and neither is it fair to expect celebacy from someone who is Sexual.

[Vallium]

I must say though it would suck if your partner is ace or doesnt share your sex drive, because you are attracted to them  and would have sex with them if you could, and its a shame because you wouldnt want to have sex with anyone else and experience it with them instead.

Not to say anyone should be ashamed for their sex drive or lack thereof just a situation which compromise should be made on that unfortunate side of the relationship 

 

[evan]

i think at this point we have pretty much nailed down the fact that this is a sociological foreground and as such lacks a meritable answer beyond it being person dependent in this day and age.

in conclusion

yes no 

maybe so

its your choice

to fuck a ho

[Red Lion]

I think it's fair to say that no one should expect anything out of their partner that they aren't willing to give. Don't expect children from a partner who is infertile/childfree and don't expect sex from a partner who is asexual. Don't expect an atheist partner to go to church, don't expect a bisexual partner to suddenly stop being attracted both sexes because they hooked up with you. Don't date a transgender man/woman if you're not ok with the idea of them transitioning. Before you jump into any kind of relationship make sure you know what kind of person you're hooking up with and if you seriously can't deal with the differences between you then don't get into that relationship.

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, evan said:

i think at this point we have pretty much nailed down the fact that this is a sociological foreground and as such lacks a meritable answer beyond it being person dependent in this day and age.

in conclusion

yes no 

maybe so

its your choice

to fuck a ho

G's up Hoes down!

[Crazy Lee]

18 hours ago, Zaraphayx said:

A relationship is whatever is agreed upon by the two parties in it and no one else, I don't know what exactly OP is expecting to get from this thread.
 

 I was discussing whether it is an accepted norm in our societies nowadays that a relationship will end up with some kind of sex sometime in the relationship. You see people talking about when the right time to have sex in a relationship is. After the third date, the fourth date? Or someone will say "I don't put out until the fourth date" (an actual caller on a local morning talk show). Or someone will say they're okay with sex after the first or second date. Whatever. It's just society seems to accept that a relationship WILL lead to sex.

Which is why I get pissy at puritans who act like relationships are all romance and expecting sex to be a part of the relationship is a bad thing. For you, maybe. And that's fine if that's what you want but it's not what others want. To belittle others who want only a sexual relationship or want sex to be a major part of it is annoying. To each their own.

I would say the majority of people in human society expect sex in a relationship at some time. I already mentioned sexual relationships without romance (swingers, bdsm, ect), already mentioned relationships without much or any sex, and said both are okay if that's what the partners want. But I would also say those relationships are certainly in a small minority. Gay relationships are a minority, and I would say that ace relationships are also a minority. Most people assume that said relationship they get into will eventually lead to some kind of sex.

And if it won't, then that needs to be brought up pretty damn quick.

Quote

If we all agree that sex is a mandatory part of a relationship is it time to start rounding up the asexual couples and forcing them to engage in coitus with witnesses appointed by the church or something? :^)

I'm sure there's some churches out there who actually want to do this because sex is only for breeding and only in missionary.

And women's sole purpose is to make babies, quiverfulls of God's children for the coming of Jesus.

54 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

G's up Hoes down!

FACE DOWN ASS UP THAT'S THEY WAY WE LIKE TO FUCK!!!

[Troj]

Most people expect that sex will play a role in a romantic relationship.

From there, everyone has their own image or expectation of what that sex will look like.

So, this is why it's important to clarify your needs and expectations with your significant other early in the relationship, especially if you suspect that your expectations or needs differ from "the norm," or are very different from your partner's.

Don't silently string someone along. That just makes life more miserable for you AND for them.

[GemWolf]

On 10/25/2016 at 10:55 AM, Crazy Lee said:

Should sex be expected in a relationship?

YES - end of story 

[Guest]

Sorry asexuals. Thats end of story. 

[Vae]

Wow, it's almost like you're not tethered permanently to living with someone who doesn't end up suiting your personal needs later down the line.

What a ridiculous, fanciful idea.
Breakups? Divorce? Wtf are those.

[PastryOfApathy]

Yes.

I am entitled to sex because I say so.

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, PastryOfApathy said:

Yes.

I am entitled to sex because I say so.

I didn't expect this.

[Falaffel]

2 hours ago, Lemon said:

Sorry asexuals. Thats end of story. 

Welp, good time for a lock, eh? No more discussion necessary, our dear GemWolf has the ultimate decision.

[FlynnCoyote]

I like sex. It makes me happy. 

[MalletFace]

Prescription tends to fail at remaining true across a long period of time or across a large sample when it comes to anything social, so no in a general sense.

Saying that something - sex, friendship, love - ought to be expected of a social interaction - a relationship - isn't as useful as saying that something tends to be expected in a social interaction or tends to result from a social interaction, but I don't see much point in people in a happy relationship of any kind opining on what a relationship is unless it is their own.

I guess I agree with some number of other users; it ought to be expected if the couple believes it ought to be expected.

[Pricillacui]

I actually think that sex is a part of any kind of romantic relationship between two people. I do consider that sex is something normal and kind of necessary in the context of those romantic relationships.